Flowing With Spirit
Welcome to our cosmic adventure! We're just a bunch of pals diving headfirst into life's mysteries and the wild realm of spirituality, all from our inquisitive perspective. Think of us as your friendly cosmic explorers. We're keeping it as real as your morning coffee, yet spicing it up with some mind-expanding insights. Buckle up as we embark on a journey through the cosmic realms, all through our candid and open conversations. Grab a seat; it's gonna be one enlightening ride!"
Flowing With Spirit
Navigating Depths of Loss and Triumph: A Tapestry of Healing, Spiritual Connection, and Self-Discovery
Embarking on an emotional voyage, we uncover the layered essence of healing, love, and resilience that defines our human spirit. Our special guest, Rosa, a fellow acupuncturist, shares her deeply moving journey through the loss of her husband, revealing the intricate dance between personal trauma and the art of caring for others. Together, we peel back the layers of grief, PTSD, and the generational cycle of violence, uncovering the strength that lies in vulnerability and the courage to prioritize oneself.
Amidst the stories of struggle and self-discovery, we also wander through the corridors of the supernatural, embracing the humor and mystery that life presents. From manifesting mishaps to probing encounters with the afterlife, our conversation meanders into the profound and sometimes eerie realms of spiritual connection. These narratives weave the rich tapestry of our existence, prompting reflections on the lessons learned from the energies that envelop us.
Concluding our odyssey, we delve into the personal healing process, touching on topics like inner child work, the paradox of self-sacrifice, and the transformative potential of self-love. We confront the fears that hold us back and embrace affirmations that propel us forward, all while navigating the complex dynamics of family, loss, and the pursuit of personal fulfillment. Join us as we traverse these deeply human experiences, offering compassion and companionship along the way.
To all listeners, we welcome questions and or input, feel free to send us any inquiry about topics of your interest.
Hello to all and welcome to Flowing with Spirit. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode. Your hosts tonight are Simone Mananti, an intuitive healer, along with Paolo Propriato, a healer and acupuncturist, and Cristina Propriato, with a strong intuition and love for life, and Leo de Stéphano, a Reiki master and healer. Today's podcast is enriched with the presence of Megadelene, a family therapist and intuitive of many years, and our guest Rosa, an acupuncturist who has been struggling since the sudden loss of her husband. Get ready to embark on a journey of wisdom and laughter with our dynamic crew.
Speaker 2:How about you, Paolo?
Speaker 5:I'm really enjoying doing this, and then I'm talking to my cousins, you know, and that's been like bringing a lot of creativity to it. I feel like I did it in my teens. I'm coming up with all these stories and all these ideas and I don't even really worry. Now it's like I don't care, like I don't have this thing. I have to realize this. It just feels good to actually have it happening. You know what I mean. Like it feels like, ah, that's opened again for me, which has been good.
Speaker 5:The one thing that I did have last night was, which was very what's it not last night, monday night, monday night's, my late nights and for some reason, monday it was like everybody was coming in. I mean, rosa knows, like we work together, so like there's days where, like a lot of people are crying on the table, but Monday was like everybody was crying, everybody and I had like a pack day. So it's like you're sitting there holding people's hands, they're crying, and it was all over, like people lost somebody. So it was like that all day long, all day long, all day long. So I was already filmed by the end of the night. Like it kind of wears on you, you know, and you know, everywhere I touch it's like ah, ah, ah. And then so obviously she's in flame.
Speaker 5:But at one point she just says she just goes. I hate my fucking life. And when she said that, simone, it was like it was. I felt like an arrow go right into my heart and I just started crying and I I hit it and I just went like put needles real quick and I left the room and it put me in such a bad fucking place and then I just went home. I shouldn't have went home. I should have just went somewhere and like walked around, because usually I walk and I get rid of it. But I went home and then I would. I just felt so full, like I couldn't shake that off, you know. I mean, it was just like it wasn't. It wasn't even what she said. I feel like it's the way she said it as if like I think, is that I believe them.
Speaker 5:That's the thing I believe there and I felt like I've done so much work. I don't know, man, like to me, I feel like I don't see a difference with the word life and the word God. You know what I mean and I felt like you were cursing God. That's how I felt, like at its core, because life is the core of what God is to me, because you know I mean I'm using words.
Speaker 3:Anyway, it really fucked me yeah, yeah, and then, and then I feel bad, and then and just fucking sucks right.
Speaker 5:Because, like there's a part of me that you see, like you see, the field you go went into was because of that. You know what I mean, because that was passed on to me. You know what I mean and like I'm trying to work all this shit out and having that knowing that man, like I'm not, I can't help the people closest to me. You know like I felt so helpless in that moment and just like what the fuck am I doing? You know what I mean, but because I feel good, right At my core.
Speaker 5:I feel good and I can't help anybody near me. You know what I mean. They're all just stuck in their stories and I just want to be like just fucking drop it. Just drop it.
Speaker 2:And I can't. And that's that's the beauty of it. It's really understanding that. It was a bit of a shock when I had to admit to myself like I had to go through that. I used to be the type of person who fix everybody and becoming from lean and nervous like yeah, we're going to fix everybody, we're going to find the reasons and we're going to fix it. And it's still my drive. That's what drives me a little bit. But I have an enormous amount of respect now for who or whichever path people are on and talking to them. I'm actually listening to where they're at in life and if they are where they're at, you know, because they believe in their stories, then there's that's okay, that's what they need to do. There's nothing we can do about it.
Speaker 2:What I find it interesting is that when I heard you say that about what I felt was like elation, I felt actually happy Because finally there is a recognition of something that and I was like, yes, that's actually acknowledging that something is not okay in her life. You might not know what it is, that you may not have yet the tools to change it, but at least she's aware. There is that awareness and that means that there is observation. That's a perfect, that's a beautiful place to be in, like.
Speaker 2:To me, it sounded like a good thing to do for her, because I feel that she's the type of person that has not been honest with herself and everything that she's been doing should be more like a big thing type of person and being subservient and being exposed to, you know, not taking care of herself and not making herself a priority. That's like saying, okay, I'm not okay with that, and she may be angry because she's realizing that. You know there's a lot of anger behind it, but I think that's a great thing. When I hear that in people, no matter how they are, it's like oh, thank God, you know that's good. So why did it bother you, though? And besides, besides the fact that you maybe didn't feel like it would help?
Speaker 5:her. I don't think that's the reason why it upset me. Yeah that's just a recognition of it. I don't know, honestly, I don't know. All I know is the feeling. You know what I mean. Like I don't know how to intellectualize it, I just know like when she said it it felt like in that moment it was like that camel whatever they say, the straw that person can't that's what it felt like I feel like I was carrying something.
Speaker 5:And then she was like that, you know, like the old man that said to them the Italian cards, like that. That's what it felt like and it was just like like I'm done, you know, I mean you feel she has expectations and you have, you know. I don't think she has expectations of anything, you know like I don't think. I don't think she's convinced that anything will ever help her. To be honest with you, Well, that's the her choice.
Speaker 2:And that's the thing that they can put back right, but she's coming from it, whether or not somebody realizes going to get to that point. The next step is to actually start doing something about it, and that's a really hard thing to do.
Speaker 6:I'm kind of curious why you didn't show her the reaction at all, like why you did it Because it was hard to go home.
Speaker 2:It probably wasn't easy you know the fact that you had a treat when you know, with feeling the way you feel that you can't help them. Anyway, it had to come to terms with the fact that she didn't want anything that I was able to get to her and that was really difficult as a mom and as a person who I'll do anything. You know, let's get it done.
Speaker 5:What's the?
Speaker 2:problem. How do we fix it? What you know, let's get to it. And that was the one thing that educated this person most, you know, and was not what she wanted and I could. I had to come to term, or at least I had to stop trying and stop seeing myself as, or seeing this person as, the problem and actually he didn't need as the problem.
Speaker 2:And then understanding that if I tried to give her what I have, it isn't because I'm seeing her, for she is, I'm seeing her as a problem, and just switching that, just switching that around and just saying, okay, what if I actually saw that there was nothing wrong with that? She's not coming to me to fix it, maybe she's coming to me for something else. And then you get out of that. You know, and it was, it was like I put it, it was a huge effort, what it was? A wonderful thing to learn and understand about myself and about the person. And it came out that, you know, I actually started seeing her for who she was and not for what you know she was trying to tell me in her own way, and that's, you know, what helped me really understand is, like, as much as we want some people, people, it's, it isn't.
Speaker 5:It's not about us, you know it's not about me, and I know, you know that, and it's because I realized a while back that I'll never be the. And what I found when I was having all that gallbladder pain and what's funny enough is that it all came back that night. But but when I was having that pain and I saw Nana and Nana said to me she showed me that like when I asked how do I heal this, she was showing me to be nice to my mom. And I'm not an asshole to my mom.
Speaker 5:It's just like you know. Your relationship with your mom is the relationship with your mom, right? So usually my relationship is I go over there, she gives me some of the TV she put in the best. So you know, I mean like I'm like I guess served right, like why would the fuck would I want to mess that up you? Know what I mean.
Speaker 5:But in that, in that moment, nana, at least, what I was being shown was to change that relationship a little bit. So what I do now is like I'll call my mom to talk to her or like you know, but my, you want to go after lunch, which we only did one time. But even with the acupuncture, it's to me it's not about treat a mama to make her better, it's about making my mom feel that she's cared about, because that's what I think she wants, because she cares about everything and no one gives. It shows that they care. And like Christina can tell, like even the way my dad is with my mom, like he's just constantly, just pushing her buttons, you know I mean for whatever, I don't know why he does that, but he does.
Speaker 5:So I, I, so I'm not treating my mom with the intention that I'm going to heal my mom. I'm not. I tell them because, the truth, I'm tired Monday nights, you know, I mean the reason I'm doing it is because I want my mother to feel that someone cares, but still, for so purpose of it, you know I didn't mean like, yeah, don't worry about, I'll see you, and even if I'm just like I couldn't do much, you know, you go to turn her over, she's in pain. You go to touch her, she's in pain. Even the touch of pulse she's in pain. So it's like I can't even do anything. So, but just the act of going through those type of motions with her and I stick in a few needles and I do this and that to make her feel like, oh, like someone's caring for me for once, that's all purpose of what I'm doing.
Speaker 2:It's just great and it's a lovely thing for them. I'm only giving you a suggestion because it's, you know, it's whatever.
Speaker 5:No, no, no no.
Speaker 2:And it makes me think of the one thing that she went through during the time that she was very depressed, and there was one night that that she, she, had the intent of wanting to commit suicide, and that period of time, and I was still in a place where I'll do anything else to get it out. I'll do as much research, reading, get myself, you know, all the information that I can possibly can find a way to help her, and I had to. I came across this thing about you know, because how are you gonna know? You know, how are you gonna sleep? You can't stay up all night trying to with a kid, your own child, to try and do something, because if they want to do it, they're gonna do it. There's nothing that you can do. You can't do anything about it. And so they were saying that it's like I get awards going to be their decision and their choice. And really, if you're gonna, if you act from a place of trying to commit and some committed suicide, you're not gonna be able, you're gonna lose sight. You know. You know you're gonna lose. You understand whatever is going through it you're gonna get. You're gonna try and fix the wrong problem in a way, so to get yourself outside of that and accept the fact that if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. You're not gonna be able to stop it. Like same as if you're driving on the street and you know you're driving on the road and someone is hitting you because of a drunk driver you're not gonna know it's gonna happen. You're not gonna know it's gonna it's. You know you're gonna be meeting fate in that way and you're gonna live your life waiting for that or with fear of that.
Speaker 2:And it helped into understanding that at least I got myself out of the way so that I could actually hear her. But the one thing that I did was to actually ask the guides to help and make sure that if you had it found that way that she would come and get me, and she actually did. She came and got me one night and she said I almost have phone calls, please take him from me, and you know. And then I gave her whatever support she could give me at that time and she never did it again what that taught me and what I do with people that are oftentimes in a place where I can't do anything for them. That I can't, you know, it's up to them and I'm no controller.
Speaker 2:I actually use the manifestation to ask for a miracle for people like that and if there is no understanding in them or if there is no acceptance, I can at least ask for a miracle. And I always do that and I just really the language, not because I want that, but I call on them and I say please do whatever it is possible for the FDA to bring some peace in this person, to bring whatever and to just resolve the situation in whichever way. And I think that you know they don't have to know it, so they don't have to get in the way and I don't need to. You know, tell them what I'm doing or what I'm saying. I don't need to keep track of whether it's happening or not, it's just, it's like. It's like. You know, it's actually one of the most perfect things.
Speaker 2:You just stop doing something that can be a little bit of kindness. You know, and I think that's something that I do, that I do that, I do and I think you feel that because I believe that, as healer, the reasons why you're a healer whether you're a massage therapist, a therapist or you know any type of healer you have the belief that you can do something for someone. That belief is what these people need to borrow from you to find relief, recalculation, understanding. You know whatever it is that they need and you can do it. I know that people talk about consent, but what you're asking is you're asking guides to come in. You're asking whatever beings you believe in to come in. It's like making a prayer and you just ask for that miracle. It is not about whether there's a thought that is occurring or not. It's about I don't know acceptance and release.
Speaker 7:Sometimes it could be as simple as the person just wants to be heard.
Speaker 7:Yeah, you know as healers, we always think we have to do something, you know, to just solve that problem. You know work on this, work on that, and sometimes it's just as simple as taking a hand, holding a hand. I'm letting them say what they need to say and if they cry, they know that they got someone to just hold them and say it's okay, it's okay, that's that simple, because people in bad situations or whether it's health, financial or anything like that, they just want someone to recognize the fact that they're there, that thing, because a lot of times people don't care I mean not saying you did, and I'm not saying a lot of us, at least to them it appears that no one really cares and then they get more upset. But if you just sit there and you accept, a lot of them could go into that space. That's healing.
Speaker 7:And what you were experiencing Bob was so, I think, when she was doing that, the same what she said, and you felt that out of both of your heart, I think you were experiencing a pain that she was experiencing, you know, and sometimes it could be I'm not saying it's this simple but it could be like mom, I know, I know, I know it's okay, that's it. That's why I feel so good.
Speaker 7:I think it's unfortunate.
Speaker 5:I said quit your whining.
Speaker 2:Unfortunately, we said quit your whining. Sometimes it's more needed than an hour for something.
Speaker 5:Because I know like something's moving with you and I'm going to ask you about it. But, at the same time, I'm like you, brought your own handkerchief.
Speaker 4:I know me, I know me, I'm listening about how you're saying that, with suicide and things, and when my husband was talking about it. That's what I did I just listened and I let him talk about it. I never thought that he would do it.
Speaker 4:So I was just like I'm just going to be there for him. He just needs to then. But that was not because he actually did it. So this, all of that just took me right back to that to just feel like, oh, maybe I should have done more. I don't know, I was talking with Falo about this before and I was never honest with myself and it's like I really hope myself responsible for him. I don't think I'd like. I think like just listening. I don't think I told him like you know, you're really important, if you would really be missed, if you left, it would have not mattered.
Speaker 2:It would have not mattered. If someone wants to do it, they're going to do it and there's nothing you can do to stop it or anybody else. If someone really wants it, they're going to do it. You want to find opportunity? They may be okay one second and then the next second they're going to do it. Yeah, no, it's a difficult thing to. I think when people die before they do time and in tragic ways, like suddenly, you know, and you leave such an emptiness behind them, you have to fill those spaces and those places that filled with all the grating emotions and the guilt feeling and thinking that you know should have done more, we should have done more and maybe perhaps things would have gone differently. That's you know, that's something, that's a place that a lot of people go into, yeah, so you have a big heart, you know, and that you care. You care a lot.
Speaker 4:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:But he would have done it, and if it wasn't in that moment, it would have happened. Later it would have happened.
Speaker 4:I tried to tell myself that because we knew each other really young, like middle school, and he would always say things like I know I'm going to die young.
Speaker 2:Thank you 38, 36, how old was?
Speaker 4:he, he was 36.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so if he hadn't done it 36, it would have happened again. There was an exit point for him again at 37. And then the very final one at 38, he would have died at 38, no matter what he was going to go. He actually was showing that there was a very strong. Something happened when he was about 26, 24, 26, or he thought it was very thin and divided then yes, because they didn't feel a lot of things up for a long time.
Speaker 4:That's when I got pregnant, yeah, and that's when he took the life insurance. Yeah, he said I know I'm going to die young, so that's when we got life insurance and that's what we lived off of. When he shot himself in my backyard, I took my kids to Dave and Busters. My son was four, my daughter was nine and all of a sudden I just felt like I need to call Jeff. I need to call Jeff, I need to.
Speaker 4:I think I made an excuse Like I didn't take Junie home and I kept calling and calling and calling and I just knew something. I don't know what I knew, but I knew something was wrong. And then we went back and he was gone, just like that. Sorry. So I would try and it's been 14 years and I still have not. Like I can't get it together, I can't like.
Speaker 4:So Grace just sent me a paper that's my boss and she was talking about because I keep having memory loss, like gaps in memory, like I'm just trying to function and she said that there's this thing called like PTSD memory loss. So I was reading it and I feel really like it explains a lot like which won't with my head, like I'm having a hard time connecting with people. I can't remember things. There's other things that's like outer body for me, where I'm like watching myself and I'm confused, like why am I acting like this?
Speaker 4:So just realizing that it's 14 years later and that, like, like I'm not the same ever since then, and coming to terms with, as much as I love Jeff, it wasn't a very healthy marriage. It was very violent. Like it was cool to say back in the day like oh, rosa and Jeff they fight but they love hard, they love hard and they fight hard and that was just like the norm for everybody. But it's like just going through all that now accepting. You know, it wasn't even the best of the marriage and I still been suffering and my kids are suffering. You know my kids are struggling.
Speaker 2:You're very good. You're very good. You made a promise. How old were you when you had your first child? I was 24. You made a promise and it's a promise that is keeping you stuck into everything that you're saying right now. And it's also culture, meaning that it's something that has been given to you, passed down from your family, from going up in your family, kind that you have to do everything possible. But more than that, more than that, meaning that the self-sacrifice which you've been living your life, or even now, yeah, it's like you are in a flowing, a slow death you don't deserve to hit, because if you die, you fail. There you go, oh wait, good girl, good girl. So you're shifting right now. Now, if you don't want this to, you know, press the post it. But I'm going to, I'm going to help you, you know, because it's it's so and the the problem is on that shoulder.
Speaker 2:So there's like a an arrow from behind that you actually put it in yourself. It goes through that shoulder, it's tied to that wrist and every time you need to self punish with self-sacrifice, you pull that cord by pulling the hand behind. So that means it inflicts pain. If you look at it, that shoulder is lower than this one too, and I don't know if you have pain on that side, this is the one that always hurts, and this is the one that I'm always yeah, always in pain.
Speaker 2:So what is this promise? What do you think? So the promise is that usually what I call promise. I'm not necessarily like things that we promise, you know, but they are like the things that we say, oh, I'll never, I'll never do this, I'll never, ever do this. But I feel that because you knew who your husband was what's his first name, by the way? Jeff, jeff, sorry, I feel that you made a promise. Was it your son that was born first? My daughter, your daughter? What promise did you make your daughter?
Speaker 4:When she was making this Several promises, yeah.
Speaker 2:Go ahead. What would you say to her? What?
Speaker 4:would you promise that she would just never go through what I've gone through, okay, and that it's almost like an old school, like ride or die kind of thing. It's like this I got you more than I'll never let anything like. I didn't even let him come between, like really even father between me and my kids, like I just protected them from I thought I was protecting them from everybody.
Speaker 2:Okay, what did you see in him that you felt that you would protect them? He was violent. Okay, I'm going to take you somewhere else right away, right now. Okay, who else was violent from your family members? Who else who was violent on your family, like on your parents, my?
Speaker 4:stepfather. What was his first name? Dino.
Speaker 2:What did you promise? What did you promise your stepfathers?
Speaker 4:You'll never, ever tell anybody to do, because then your stepfather would be able to abuse me in whichever way he's going to beat my mom.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay. Do you see a connection between that promise and Jeff?
Speaker 4:I kind of do Now, I do, okay, do you tell it out loud what it is.
Speaker 2:What were you afraid of in Jeff? What did it feel? Okay, now you feel something coming up.
Speaker 4:I just was afraid that he was going to leave me. He was going to hit me.
Speaker 2:He was going to leave me. No matter what I did, I've already put this bucket. Okay, all right, okay, so who left you? Who left you really prior to Jeff?
Speaker 4:Even though my mom is there, I would say my mom, what about your actual father?
Speaker 2:My actual father was hardly okay, but you lived with him for a little bit. When you're back for your old and simple yeah, okay. So what did he give you? What did you have from your actual father? What's your father's close name, your biological father, eddie, eddie, nice, okay, what did he give you? What did you have from him that he pretty much took away from you when he disappeared? Love, in which other way?
Speaker 4:In which way he just wasn't there. He let us get abused, he let us get hurt and he never, never came and saved us.
Speaker 2:No, no, that's the problem. She made you too. The one thing that is keeping you from moving on is the fact that you are identifying yourself as your mom in the way you're handling the post, jeff, because she was the first person to come out. Yes, it's self-sacrificing. Is she on the other side or is she still living? She's still living. You can't have such a first name, ada, and that, in the way that you are identifying, was the fact that she didn't fight for you.
Speaker 4:No, she didn't.
Speaker 2:And you're fading. You've been seeing a tiny little bit of that new inner-garter energy, so you go out of your way to fight for her, is it?
Speaker 4:Yes, okay.
Speaker 2:Yes, I do, but at the same time there's a part of you that you want someone to fight for you. Yes, because it's tiring to do that all the time. I'm exhausted and it's tiring to do it for other people like your kids.
Speaker 2:And no matter how hard you work, it still happens. Right, yes, it did. And no matter how hard you try to prevent a family injury, it still happens, and so they do. And so that's making you feel more like your mom. So you tell the parents Okay, there you go. So do you want to get rid of that promise? Do you want to get rid of that feeling in your left shoulder? Yes, okay. So in which way did your father love you? How did you feel about your dad?
Speaker 4:How did I feel about that? He gave you praise. Okay, I just had to stay a good girl.
Speaker 2:Stay a good girl, yeah, what does?
Speaker 4:that mean You're going to do everything the way he would do it. You got to stay smarter than everybody else. You have to stay ahead. You have to be the prettiest. Be this, be that, and then he would give you praise.
Speaker 2:If he would love me, he would Okay. And how did Jeff love you?
Speaker 4:I guess I he thought I was the prettiest and he would show me off to everybody.
Speaker 2:But if you feel, good and you did everything right and you did what you wanted and who rewarded you by not putting violence in something you did anyway Right. And then, with a hard, hard try, you still did it. Yes, you see how beautifully this circle is going around and around and around you right. Yes, how do we get out of that? I actually think we can get out of that. I have to change.
Speaker 4:That's right. I have to change, I guess, how I feel inside about myself. Maybe.
Speaker 2:How about we change first how we think we should be loved, or what we love is? Yeah, you know, yeah, how much you love you. Right, because for as long as you hold true that, because you're still what's driving and the reasons why? Because to me that's the father side, the left side, and that's why you have the weakness, because you're looking still for someone to love you and the way that you thought your father loved you.
Speaker 2:Now, was it perfect love? It wasn't. It was the love that your five-year-old, three-year-old, between that age, thinks that she would love more, only because it was a change after that and the change brought a lot of bad stuff. And so it's inevitable it's children we always look to. Before the change, the grass is greener. Before the change, you know, it's like I was happier, I want to go back to that, right, and then we gravitate towards people who you know. We think that we can recreate that sense of that way of being loved, the way we remember where the grass is greener, but then when we go there, it's like, wait a minute, it's not as green as I thought.
Speaker 2:Right, but in a child, it doesn't want to let go of that story. Because that's what you've been creating everything to not create, but constructing everything on top of that. And if you think that way, then what's there left, what's kind of Rosa's left? You know, it would be a type of world that you don't know, and that's the scare here, right, that's the scare in it.
Speaker 2:Now, the way to change that is to first acknowledge that, yes, what you liked about your dad was the fact that you actually felt that he actually he was funny and he saw you. Okay, at least he felt more than anybody else. Yeah, but he wasn't really that good, you know, and it's okay, that's all it could give you. You need to be okay to let go of needing someone to see you or to love you the way you did. I love you in the way I just love you, because it's not helping in the end, and you know that already. So this is where you can. When you get in moments, you know, when you're on your own, one of the very first things that you should do is to write down how, now that you're in a thought that you know you've been there, how do you think you should be loved. What does it mean to be deserving of love? And the love that you're looking for is your own. You have to love yourself more.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and all these people are giving you all examples to a both good and bad or wherever. You need to go and take little pieces from everybody and say, okay, I really love when this happened and I really love when someone does this and I really love when this happened and the other right. And you start defining that and then, where you do, you live by it, Meaning that you can't put yourself down, you can't do the self-sacrificing, that you actually make an agreement with yourself that you're going to start loving yourself and look like, and then you're going to and all the other stuff is going to start falling away because all of it is sitting on top of that. We get in part of your whole self. To be, in order to be loved, you need to get from like your dad, right, and you got ya and you don't. So why don't we change that, that that promising to have on that shoulder? If you're ready, are you ready? You think?
Speaker 4:Yes, okay, okay, all right.
Speaker 3:Let me see what you want to say, so let's okay, what did you say?
Speaker 2:the scariest thing was what's the scariest thing for you that could happen? You know what scares you the most right now.
Speaker 4:Anytime, something happened to my kids. Okay, besides that.
Speaker 2:That's the catamplash. That's a small screen, by the way. I'm not saying that it's not valid, but it's a small screen. So get pushed beyond that. Okay, that's just assuming kids are always going to be okay, with which they are Okay, okay. So what scares you the most? What makes you feel the loneliest? Failure?
Speaker 4:Of what? Of just not making it, just not doing what I want to do, what I love, and just being stuck doing what everyone expects me to do or what I have to do. Nice.
Speaker 2:So what is it that you love doing?
Speaker 4:I love learning about plants and herbs and essential oils and making candles and just stuff like that.
Speaker 2:Okay. So how often, how many people have put you and your needs first throughout your life? Put?
Speaker 4:me before first them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think so. Isn't that a real question?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm not going to get such a reaction. I was like why it doesn't exist in my life.
Speaker 2:No, who do you put first? Who?
Speaker 4:do I put first Tyler and Judy? Why, I don't know? Why? Is it because they deserve it? Oh yeah, I feel like they deserve it. I feel like they deserve it.
Speaker 2:I feel like they deserve it. I feel like they deserve it I feel like they deserve it.
Speaker 4:I feel like they deserve it. I feel like they need it.
Speaker 2:Why do they need it? Because you're their mother.
Speaker 4:And because they are both lost and I'm still trying to help them.
Speaker 2:You are not lost. I am Okay. Do you think that they are learning? Because kids learn by seeing and by watching all that. Yes. And you are putting yourself first so that they can be guided by your example. No, they do not see the first. So if you try to make them first and you put them first, but they don't see the first, do you think they believe that it's possible? Do you think it's oppressing them because you're telling them a lie? That?
Speaker 4:part. Yeah Okay, yes, you're right on it. Yes.
Speaker 2:You are letting go of that. I can see you're even seeing up a little bit better than this. One is still higher, but that's okay. So, yeah, what could be the one thing that you could do to bring you know they could actually fix a lot of these things that we talked about? What would it be? I mean, we're already kind of fed, but which way do you think you can make one small change that could actually impact both your kids yourself and start making you feel better? I'll put it myself first, and what would you do first if you put it in yourself first? Oh my God no.
Speaker 2:Now that happiness? Yeah, Now what you were talking in the beginning, that's called disassociation, and Madam knows all about that. Disassociation is because we can't deal with what we keep forcing ourselves to do. And you've been making how old are you? 38?, 50?, 50?, 50 years of forcing yourself to do things that do nothing for you, to do everything for everybody else. I mean, we were talking about that just to be an older mom, and what do you have to show?
Speaker 2:I don't know how you think. To show for that, then I think it's time to start. Yes, I'm a little bit too sure. It says it all.
Speaker 4:I'm just going to say, oh, my God, audrey.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, because this has been here for 14 years. Sometimes we need a crotch in order to keep walking a path because we don't know how long it will last. Those are the stories. It's not as much as you have in giving yourself to your defiant degree. It's as if you're meeting that situation because you're holding on to the truth and it's really not optimal that. It's not true to you, right? So you have to be willing to not go back to that story and remind yourself that your way out is to make yourself first. When you make yourself first your very kind to your needs, that means you're loving yourself first. That means you're giving yourself what you need emotionally and physically, in every way. That also means you're teaching kids to do that for the things you know, because they see you doing one thing and speaking another. You're right. They're not respecting that.
Speaker 2:But, if you stop acting like it, then they'll start seeing you making the controls of it as well, right, yes, so I need you to do one last thing, because we need to make a commitment, meaning that you have to make a commitment. So we need to make a statement to replace the one that has been sitting, you know, on that shoulder and that arm, okay, so that you give yourself the freedom statement. Okay, yeah, it's easy, and if you can't get to it, I'll be at your table, okay, but I want you to first really think about it and kind of go within. And this is something, a statement that it's a truth that you want to live by, it's a truth that gives you freedom. So, instead of saying that's what I have to be the opposite of this, okay, okay, okay, because this is the truth that he was going to leave me, no matter what I did. This is in regards to your father, because no matter how good of a person you were, no matter how good of a girl you were, your father still left you, and no matter how hard you try with Jeff, he still left you.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's not true, because they put you in that victim place, meaning that you give your power away doing that Right, so we need to replace it with something that is for you, something that is for you, something that is for you to think about, because this is a victim statement. Okay, what else can we say? Instead? We have to hear it again. If you hear my scribbling, it says that he was going to leave me, no matter what, no matter what I did. So, no matter how good you are, no matter how hard you work because that's really the truth and that I don't like to go at work the people that love you actually leave you Right, so that's the way that you're not deserving love. That's not true.
Speaker 6:That's not true, that's what you tell me. That's what you tell me. Yes, that's what you say, but it's not true?
Speaker 4:Oh my God, I can't believe that just came out so much I know. That's okay.
Speaker 5:But Mary.
Speaker 5:I had something real quick. Just from knowing her as a friend, it's like it's interesting to me. I'm not going to try anything. Yeah, can you do that please? Thank you, it's interesting that all of this I feel like really really has bubbled up once both of your kids left yes, you know what I mean and so I was like oh, it's interesting. I feel like one. I felt like you really like now, like maybe when, when Jeff passed, you were like I got to be strong for these kids, yes, and my whole thing was like maybe she didn't give herself really time to greet Because you were doing this, but now, like when you're, when this is, you're talking, it's also like now they're gone and like all you have to think about is yourself.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it's like I don't. I really really don't, like I really believed I was like I'm over it.
Speaker 5:And then talking about it, like okay, I might move in the Philly with this person going here and I'm just like why would you?
Speaker 2:even want to do that. I don't. Yeah, you don't want to, I don't. Okay. I'm just still going to make that statement because that kind of closes this up. Okay, so the truth is that you deserve love without having to work hard for it.
Speaker 4:Right, right.
Speaker 2:I deserve love without having to work hard for it, but I wanted to use your word because it's as if you're talking to that little girl. When your father left, when you felt the change and the difference and you were left to an abusive environment, what did she want to do here?
Speaker 4:I loved her.
Speaker 2:There you go, and who's the most important person that loves you? I think, it's my best, yeah, why is that I got me? Because I'm really good, because you can always go around. You're always there, I always got me. Yeah, you're not going anywhere without you, so wherever you go, you're stuck with me, so what are?
Speaker 2:those most reliable persons. That loves us. Could we ever, you know, pick for? So go ahead and make a new statement, because I want you to then use the sentence as a reminder no, that I'm worthy of love, no matter what. How about we make it this way? Because worthiness is like. I don't always like it. Okay, because then we're measuring, and I don't want you to measure. Okay, I rather you say I fucking love myself, no matter what. I must work like that.
Speaker 4:I'm having a hard time with that Really. Yeah, I know it's the right thing to say and I know that I should be there, but like because you're not used to the same thing. It feels so foreign, it feels so uncomfortable, yeah.
Speaker 2:Can I add? Something.
Speaker 6:Since it's difficult for you to be thinking about saying that to who you are right now, could you practice by saying it to the little girl that was abandoned, so envisioning you as a younger version? Of yourself and each day practicing, showing up for her and reminding her, yes, how much you love her.
Speaker 4:Yes, and I have just started. I have a picture of myself up at my mirror when I was like eight and like I do now, I'll be like you know, we're doing good, we're okay, we're safe. Now, you know, I'll just talk to her. But, like I guess it's just hard because I don't feel like I'm doing good, I don't feel like everything's okay, I don't feel like I just thought it was a good place.
Speaker 2:So it's like I have a hard time. You want to shift it twice, almost twice, and we're looking for the right words to give you. You know the sentence, but at some point I'll probably give it to you so that, because that will do it, you won't feel the difference, because the shifts, do you know, make a big difference. So you connect it even the way you're sitting, whether you're paying attention to it or not, but that shoulders already much higher.
Speaker 6:Sitting directly across from you and your shoulder is higher.
Speaker 2:Everybody just really is going to play a few trolls Now. There's going to be a lot of time and shit loaded on the anger coming up. It's why I'm much rather you say I'm never going to fucking work for love, ever. I'd like that better, okay. Like I've never got to fuck your work for love ever, yeah, and the only person that I have to work with for myself my own love, but there's someone else's love. I'll never work with someone else's love, okay.
Speaker 2:Because the anger is there and you need to avoid that. That's also why you're going into that deep association and the memory loss because there's so much anger there that needs to come up and you're having like digestive issues.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it's starting again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it starts all over. It's all in there, but you're going to get out. So, yes, definitely talk to your inner child, but I think you need to also get into this. I'm angry with the fucking world. I don't care.
Speaker 4:You're going to get angry with me. Now, you that say that. You know why are you? Why can't you get angry? I'm afraid. Why I'm afraid to get angry? Because I feel like once I start, I might lose my mind.
Speaker 2:It's a beautiful thing. Let it out, my God. You know, it's like we're so conditioned as women to shove all this shit down the streets and have. Everybody feels this. You're going to hit my vent right up, you know. Let's put it behind show.
Speaker 5:I don't know why I've just pictured now you need it, but after you need it there's going to be some guy, some hot ass guy, and he's like I need to work for this.
Speaker 4:I'll be like I don't have to work. Who would? Fucking love it if you work Maybe for God, I'll make exceptions.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right, but that's the thing you get to the side and that gives you control. That same thing is supposed to power on your hand, then, no longer in someone else's, because often, sometimes you'd be operating, you'd be not operating even your power to someone else, and that makes you feel empty. It's like it runs down and just yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 5:It's interesting because, like you're saying, talking about who given power to someone else, and then you're talking about feeling angry and you're scared of that power.
Speaker 4:Yes, you know what I mean, yeah, so you have a lot of power.
Speaker 5:Yeah, you can include reactor.
Speaker 2:It feels like my work is done.
Speaker 1:I just watched Queen. I just watched that last night you do.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it's a false again. I just watched it. It's one of my favorites.
Speaker 2:I think I watched it like with my hand on and the same hand, it's sorry I saw somebody look over and I had this big smile on her face.
Speaker 5:It's just like you guys are in the middle of something intense and all I hear is Christina, we're probably going to say the movies.
Speaker 2:Well, we got stuck. Oh my God, this is funny. It's like let's find the sentence.
Speaker 5:She's like you've only cried a lot in my gift right.
Speaker 4:No, my chance. She looked over at me and I'm like she almost lost it.
Speaker 2:I don't know if you're like a squirt for a straw.
Speaker 7:It always amazes me how you just navigate through everything. Yeah, she does that all the time.
Speaker 4:Yes, it is amazing, she cuts a good chase.
Speaker 7:I mean, I don't know how she does it.
Speaker 2:I feel like you just did six months of therapy, it probably was. It's about them actually. People need them up to the food session and then, if they're having such a huge role in the end, just one or two, you know, just to go. Now the touch ups, ah, I feel good, I'm happy to have you, it's not really needed. They tell me, you know, they say stuff and just ask questions and how people get to that place and then you know, so it gets so excited. I get hot on my super boring right now because it's like so much, you know it's not the way to just mow them.
Speaker 4:I want a picture. I want to show you a picture of Jeff yeah.
Speaker 2:I was getting a lengthy type of like a fall guy. Yeah, he wishes he was. Like he's a big boy. I think he went outside so that he didn't have to clean inside the house. That's what he said. Yeah, he did it outside, but he definitely wanted to clean on. You know some things.
Speaker 4:I knew something was up because I was like, oh, I'm ready to date and I kept feeling like like when you go to apply like for the dating service, like you have to do like criteria, and I was realizing that I kept building Jeff. Like I was six two, I want this color hair, this, I want this and this. And it was actually my son who was like wow, we're like trying to build.
Speaker 4:Dad, you can't like every man is different and you have to, and that's like that also started me with the oh wait, this is. To me, these were like side effects, like something's going on because you're doing this, you're doing this, you're doing this, but I didn't know what was going on. I was like, oh, this is just how you heal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is just how you go through it when we first started talking, that we're also showed, when I asked you, when I said that you were also included, that I think you actually had a knowing, that of Jeff and the fact that he was dying, and I think you got it. They were showing that you got that understanding of knowing early on, like when you were a kid. So they must have given you, like either a dream or some kind of understanding. And often time, when they show what's to come, it's not like they believe it, like they may suppress the memory of it, but then when you meet the person, you feel like, oh my God, I've been waiting for you, right, right, right.
Speaker 2:You know, like you feel really drawn to it or like, and then you have these fears that you don't even know why you have these fears Right, and what they were showing is that they're giving you that early on, so when you were, you know, before the age of 10, and that's why you had the fears that you had while you were with him and, like I mean, that made it even more. Like you know, it was part of you also being included as the young as it seems to be our kid that we felt even more like you have to do everything as possible as you can to fix everybody. So that was, you know, the short of the beginning, but it wasn't as crucial to follow up, you know. But it's definitely something to look into and for you to just. But they'll guide you through it, but you don't have to worry too much about it. It's not a decent, yeah, but it is interesting that they show that.
Speaker 4:for you Decent and talk to my spirit guides and I try to connect and I try to clear my mind.
Speaker 2:I do work really hard for clarity with that. Thank you for making a child. I know what you said, Megan, about talking to the little bit in the child that's going for.
Speaker 6:You know I feel like that's for myself that has been the most helpful, that type of work, because it was hard to like in the present time to try to love myself and do treatment. You know I was like you know, whatever, but going back like I had all these pictures of like little versions of me around my room and, like I cannot be judgmental, I cannot be critical of myself when I'm looking at her. Yeah, so yeah, I practice a lot of visualizing of like spending time with her, and I use music a lot.
Speaker 2:I feel those thoughts in myself and I think like that, using the ones I'm all against. One of the things that I do when I help people too when you're ready you know when anybody is ready is that, especially if there's an inner child that keeps talking out, like one that is attached to a specific pattern, and if you're, if you get used to working with an inner child and you start recognizing and identifying that you know, I remember, because you may identify them from like you're reminded of the situation, the very first situation that someone's helped. You know what they're doing and whatever it is, just traveling the person. And then there's a time that, at any time, you can always ask them and ask them to give you a box that is holding their responsibility for whatever they think they are trying to do for you, because the inner child, if they're around and they're interfering with you, it's not because they're trying to harm you, but they're trying to protect you from that which has hurt you in the past. And so you know they're perpetually being reminded and trying to they stay in it.
Speaker 2:The biggest thing is that, because you do have the tools and since it's almost like when people say you know you got to parent yourself, and the way to parent yourself is to relieve the child of the responsibility of protecting it.
Speaker 2:And so I usually say you know, go ahead and hand over that box to the end, you know, because you no longer need to. I'm relieving you of that because it's a responsibility of the government to take care of that from now on. And then you let them read them to. You know their playground or like a field and they're free to go and play and they have to worry about that. But you have to. They usually know if you have the tools. So if they don't go away it's because they know they're doing field shooting. Then and I don't worry, it doesn't hurt to try they say do that box and they're gone and that's great, you know, not because they're really gone, but there the issue is gone and then you can handle that yourself. But then you have to make the commitment to be responsible for what you promise you're going to take care of, you know.
Speaker 6:Right Like the box. I was telling Paolo and Layla earlier. I was laughing because last time we met you were talking about the point with the finger for manifesting. And a couple of days after we met, my dog like pulled me and my hand got caught in the leash and I feel like I may have like broken something right at this point here. I have like a big bump here now I was like, he was like oh, it's like stuck on now and I wasn't thinking of it that way.
Speaker 5:I was thinking like, yeah, can't even manifest, but it's interesting right that we had total opposite thoughts of the same thing, because to me I was like oh, it broke, so it's stuck on. Now you can manifest anything.
Speaker 2:The mind doesn't need the truth, you just need a story. You can make it believable enough. You know which is really nice about that. It's really good. You know, I completely forgot about it. None of the white people shared it, but then I completely forgot about it. I'm so excited to share that, since I shared with you guys. Yeah, you included all of my head. Yeah, it doesn't have a feel, because if they don't want me to say anything or do anything, I want. But with you, rosa, it's like they work.
Speaker 5:It's interesting, rosa. I mean I feel like you're open to talk about it. I guess you've been talking about it. I felt, jeff, the whole time we were talking yeah, right here. Yeah, yeah, right here, because it's funny, like when I never met him, obviously, but one night I dreamed about him. Yeah. And he basically told me that I don't really like you. That's what he told me he's like I don't like you. I think you're a weird dude, but you're nice to my wife.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he was all dressed in jeans. He had these tight jeans on, like his ties. You could see it like to. You know, all really tight, yeah, and a little looser at the bottom, with the same color jeans jacket or like a jeans shirt on top and the brown belt on it.
Speaker 4:Oh my gosh, I'm surprised he wasn't like all blinged out. He was so gaudy, yes, like big, like you know how, like the rappers would do the crosses, like the gold chains in the book he would do, but he would do white gold and it would be Jewish stars and it would be like things like that, because he was Jewish, and rings on all the fingers.
Speaker 2:And he didn't show any of that Even now. He's just still just the outfit is just green, yeah, and the dark hair on the top yeah. But nice person Definitely. But seriously, if you told you one thing, that was it. You know like you're going to have to do it. Yeah, you're still trying to come to like this, I know, I know, but only because he wants to move on. Yeah, yeah. All right, so what now?
Speaker 5:Well, you know, the reason why I even wanted to do this was well, one is Megan's birthday Happy birthday, happy birthday. You know, yesterday was Halloween, today's all same, stay it is all same.
Speaker 5:Yeah, tomorrow's all souls day. So I was like, all right, well, let's, maybe we could talk about, you know, our feelings about, like souls and like what happens after we pass, and stuff like that. And then, while I was talking about and thinking about that stuff, that's what made me think of, like you know, because what was it? We talked about your husband sometimes. And then I know a lot of people I've been talking to like I'm not a medium at all, it happens very rarely. That's not like when we even said that, like it just happened. I don't make it happen or something, and it's very, very rare thing for me. But I was like, yeah, maybe we can just have a conversation about that, like what we feel about, what we think about it, what it was. You know all of that. So that's kind of why I wanted to. You know it was a good. I wanted to do it tonight and I was saying maybe that could be the topic. You know where we go from there. I don't know. I mean, obviously it always goes the way it goes.
Speaker 2:I didn't realize it was all same stage until we were on the way over. And then, you know, we started talking about this and it's like, oh, of course they need to talk about it. You know even that kind of stuff.
Speaker 4:And if all things the same is, like the Diabela stuff, it's not different.
Speaker 5:Yeah, it's different. I think that's more of the whole soul, Okay, yeah we have a new guest. Did anyone want to share anything about any of that?
Speaker 7:Like what we were just talking about, any of it.
Speaker 5:I mean, I know I can go on with stories, that's for sure, you know. I mean because I feel like that's, that's what. That's what kind of got me interested in all of this in the first night? I won't say that, like I've always had the inclination towards like anything mysterious, but I think it was. It was actually on a Halloween night. This is where I got the lights down, where, where I, playing with the Ouija board, is what kind of like pushed me into all of us. You know what I mean, and and obviously.
Speaker 5:I know if anyone listening to this or him though, like would you want bullshit, right? Maybe? All I know is whatever was happening was real happening. What the phenomenon, what was making the phenomenon happen? That's a whole nother story, because even after happened I wasn't convinced it was a spirit or anything like that. Like.
Speaker 5:I was trying to research it, I started buying books about it and it was hard to find anything, but I did find one book. So if you want to start from, I won't go into the whole story because it's a very long story, but many, many years ago it was my cousin, two of my cousins and my one cousin's girlfriend, and we started playing with the Ouija board so my cousin is girlfriend with the ones with their hands on the thing, and it started moving around and was saying some things and then at one point it started moving very quickly, right? So much so that we stopped and we got a piece of paper and a pen and we would write down where it would stop and see if it made anything that was actually real While your hands were on it.
Speaker 7:Yeah, yeah. Well, it was the only people that had their hands on.
Speaker 5:It was my cousin and his girlfriend at the time, so they would do that and it would like move, stop, stop. But it was going rather quickly, right, and my other cousin was writing down the letters of where it would stop and then it just stopped. And then I looked to see if we would look to see if it made out anything, right. So we would look to see and sure enough it did. And it's the first thing it says like hi, Paul, your hair is really long.
Speaker 5:So I was like dang like don't mess around, like right, like I thought they were like messing with me and he's like I swear to God, I'm not doing it, I swear to God. So I said who is it? And then it said Steve. So Steve was a friend of mine that passed away when I was a little kitty, drowned. So I got a little angry with Danny because I was like because obviously the girl Kim doesn't know what the who dang is, I mean who Steve was. So Danny was like I swear to you, I'm not doing it, I'm not so swear. So then I asked I said okay, fine, this is really. You Remember that day that? And I said something that it was only me and him, like no one else would not. Right, it was just something that we did in the neighborhood together and it was right, like it was right. There's no way Danny would know that. So it's like God that's crazy.
Speaker 5:So then it was like talking to us and saying all these things. In fact I saved the papers. I still have them at my mom's house and then I said if you're, I'm just telling you certain things that I remember. I said if you're around me because he said I'm always around. I said if you're around me, why is this the first time I'm hearing from you and why aren't you around, like Joey, Steve, my, you know my brother? And the answer was because it's too bright that way.
Speaker 5:Now I don't know what was meant by that, but that's what it was said. So I said well, if you're around, if you're so around, if you're around me all the time, she prove it to me tonight, like that. So of course I go home and I'm just going to sleep on my bed. So I go sleep on the couch, and the couch was like here's the couch, there's about five steps going straight up to the kitchen and then you know you make a left and there's the kitchen table. I'm on the couch, I mean I'm on the couch laying down with our dog we had this little Chihuahua and out of nowhere you hear boom and I look up and there's an orange that rolls to the ice, where it goes on my kidding Rolls to the top of the stairs and then rolls down the stairs right through the wall. No, it rolled off the table.
Speaker 5:And then down to the where the stairs were and it just rolls down the steps and I just got up. I'm like right.
Speaker 5:So I called my cousin Danny, like who knows what time it was, like three o'clock in the morning, and but that's how it began. And then it began where we were so addicted to it. That's all we did. All we did.
Speaker 5:Anytime we had a moment we were together, playing it, we were together and the things I could tell you about it. Like it would tell us all these things. It would tell us like it would help us to go bring help souls that needed to cross over and we will talk to these other spirits. And the spirit will be like you know why? Why are there no trees? And why are the trees? And like, ask me certain things about God. Do you see this light? Some didn't see it. Like some saw something else.
Speaker 5:I'm like, okay, you got to and it was like this weird thing. It's almost like you started to feel like, oh, we had this purpose to help souls, we were getting together, but then it will be like something scary, like things will say it was going to go after my sister and then like, oh, like you know, we would say all these things and like the planche would fly across the room like crazy things, like crazy things, like so much so it came to a point where we were so scared because it was getting out of hand, like it was, like my TV will go on and off by itself, like all the like my door to my room would like open and close by itself. And like I had that thick ass rock like it wasn't, like a breeze, like it took Christina.
Speaker 5:Yeah, like really push the yeah, like our dog, like with that, was sleeping with more with my sister, but we sleep with me often Scared shit has to be in my room, scared Like wouldn't be if it went in my room it would like yell to get out. But the crazy at the most crazy thing out of all of it is I felt that it was normal, like I would be sleeping in my TV going by myself. I'm like, hey, steve, like a sport.
Speaker 5:Like you know what I mean. So, anyway, it just started getting more and more and more. I was losing a lot of weight.
Speaker 6:Oh, that guy didn't you see him in your room?
Speaker 5:Yeah, that's kind of.
Speaker 4:I didn't know You're growing it.
Speaker 5:I'm joking. Don't worry about it.
Speaker 5:And then I'm joking, so this is the last time. You so? So what was I in this word? Anyways, I started losing weight. All I could think about was playing the game. I mean the game, the Ouija board, and we were like we were so obsessed with it. You know what I mean and that's all I cared about. All I could think about, like, I will come home, go to work and I work. All that we think about is like when am I going to get my hands back on that board and tell you the truth, if I, even if I put my hands on the board, it never really worked. If Kim wasn't there, if the girl wasn't there, it didn't work. And you know, like the standard one that you can buy in a game store, how it's like yes, no, but in the corners it shows like that woman, it's like a, in the bottom corners it's a woman.
Speaker 5:I've never seen a real one like if we tried to do it without him, it would spell out and, e, d and then go to the girl need girl, need girl.
Speaker 5:It wouldn't work without her and you know, I don't know Like I would like to like make claims and all that. I'll be honest with you, I don't know everything. All I know is like I remember, even like after a couple of things before September 11, it was saying beware of planes, and at that time Danny was my cousin. Danny would fly like he was doing it.
Speaker 1:So we just thought it was like then don't go flying.
Speaker 5:You know, I mean and it was saying a lot of souls coming our way, and like it would say that all these crazy things like it will be, like it will start spelling out Eugene is call. It'll be like C A L, like to say calling and as it's spouting, my cousin Eugene will be calling me on the cell phone. Like things like that. Like if it always drew me in more, like only not just me, them too. Like, more and more and more. Like sometimes, like you would hear a noise that we be playing. We always played outside most of the time. You would hear a noise like like a little kid make it like a kid, like yell or something and like did you hear me? Like all these things, wow.
Speaker 5:But, then I don't know what it was. It was just like it just started feeling as intriguing as it was. I started to notice that I was feeling negative, like I just felt drained all the time, and the only time I was at the job like it's like I needed a fix.
Speaker 5:I needed to be on it, I needed to be like. I felt like my thoughts were in either mind, like it was like I was this, like obsessed. I'm saying this up, that's like a dialect for us. So then, finally, one day um, yeah, one day I wake up to go to work, right, and I had this little Panasonic like a cell phone thing it was like a skinny one, I guess and I used it as my cell phone and it's ringing. I'm sleeping this way. I turn over to get it and I see Steve the kid, my friend. He's looking down at my cell phone as if he's like confused by it. He's going like this I don't know.
Speaker 5:It's just that he looked confused, like he looked at it, and then he looked over at me like this, and when he saw me looking at him it looked like he got scared. He went. Oh, but when he went like this he started fading away. But I noticed as he faded away and looked like he was changing, like he was shifting into something else, and for the longest time I wouldn't even admit that part to myself because like I wanted that to be him. Maybe it was still, I don't know.
Speaker 5:So I go to work, I call Danny. I'm like Dan, you don't even know what just happened, right, and he's like Kim's that, calling me like crazy, that she's freaking out. So I called Kim. I said Kim, what's going on? And she says I had this dream about this kid and he kept. He was panicking, trying to tell her something, if I remember correctly, but they were walking on the beach and she's like I couldn't hear him because the sound of the breaking waves was too loud. But I don't know what about it was that dream was causing her so much like the anxiety I don't remember, I'll be honest with you. I just that's the part of remember. So I said, and then I told her what happened to me and I was like I want, I think that was Steve. So I said, when you're done, when we're done, we'll come over.
Speaker 5:So we went over my aunt's house because my aunt lived across the street from this kid and I go and see it. Can you give me a picture of Steve? So she comes downstairs with a box, with a shoe box full of pictures when we were kids and we're going through the pictures. Kim actually came across a picture with Steve and my other cousins going to the first day of school and she like broke down. She broke down crying and she's like that's the kid from my dream. That's the kid from my dream. I'm like that's Steve. And it's funny because to say that Steve to her was like that's my friend, because we've been talking to this kid for like a year and a half. You know what I mean. Yeah, so we were just like we got to stop, like something's not right, something's not right. So we went to like the priest, I say Roberts. The guy looked at me like he was scared. He was like I don't know what to do.
Speaker 5:So like that he was scared me more he just thought he doesn't even want to help us out. So I didn't know what to do. I just knew one person Like at that time I knew nothing about anything Like even though I was interested in things. All my interest in anything was always from a Catholic standpoint Because that's all I had. So and in my neighbor was they were a beaver, they were Hindu and, like his dad gave me books about yoga and stuff like that and like you know. But other than that I didn't know much. I didn't even know about Buddhism or anything at that time. But I didn't know this lady that she used to, like you know, when you back in the day to get resumes.
Speaker 2:I thought you went to somebody that did you know kinds that do the monarchy. Oh no Drop the oil. Yeah, that's a whole lot of story. That's funny.
Speaker 5:No, but I knew this lady that she did like resumes when she did tarot cards on Dorothy, so we knew her because she worked. She had an office by the deli, the Altamon, the deli, like you know, she's like a lot of the bizans and stuff you know. So I went to her and I said Dorothy, I got to ask you something. I said we've been playing with this like we do and I told her the whole story and she's like stop playing with it.
Speaker 5:Even if you were talking to your friend, you might not be talking to him now. So just get a white candle and light it and and, and if he needs to tell you something, he'll tell you through the dream, but don't play with that anymore. It's not him now. So he said okay, so I did a few minutes late I mean few nights, I don't know if it was that night or whatever or a few nights later, I bought a white candle, I lit the candle and I go to sleep, and then I went to sleep and that night I have a dream that I'm at my old house at the age I was at that time, which is what?
Speaker 5:maybe 1920. I mean whenever September 11 happened, because it was around that time, maybe 2021.
Speaker 2:I was, I was 18.
Speaker 5:All right, so I was like 20. No 18, 19, 20, 21. He had to be, because 23 I was already in Italy and 20 12 was already with green. Yes, it was like it was about 20. So what happened?
Speaker 2:So you had you.
Speaker 5:Yeah, I had a dream and but Steve, it was the same age when he passed, right? So he was like what? 10, 11 years old Steve passing and he comes to me and he's like you're Paul, because everyone called me Paul when I was younger. He's like you're Paul, he's like you don't need a piece of what you're talking, just talk to me. And he just walked away. That was it. That was the first dream, but the next dream is a dream that, like, changed my life is the next night. I go to sleep and I always tell the story. It's a little bit lengthy, but I am sleeping. I mean, I'm up, I'm watching TV and Conan O'Brien was on TV, which goes to show this guy's been on TV for a long time, right? So I was Conan O'Brien.
Speaker 5:And also that means it was late, as it used to be on late, and I remember that, christine, my sister got up and she was going to the bathroom.
Speaker 5:I remember her specifically walking to the hallway because my room was by the bathroom and I'll tell you why that's important later on. So I shut off the TV you know, I have the candle there and I close my eyes. Now I don't even fall asleep, that's the thing. Like I don't know how to explain this part of it, because I didn't fall asleep, all I did was close my eyes, but I closed my eyes and I wasn't there anymore. You know what I mean? Like I was somewhere else, but wherever I was, it was pitch black, just pitch black.
Speaker 5:And I see these two beams and the only reason I can see that they had like their form looked human, but I could see their form because it was darker than the blackness and they had one white stripe going down, like this, and they were moving very chaotically, very, very chaotically around me, like very close to me, and I was like getting really really like scared and nervous, like claustrophobic feeling, and I was like, if you guys think you're scaring me I don't even know if I said it out loud or I thought it, but I said if you're trying to scare me, you're not and as soon as I said that I mean, as far as I died, my eyes could see, were these beams.
Speaker 5:There was millions of them, millions, and they were all moving like that, all moving, all moving, and I felt like I was just like being like swarmed in by them. You know what I mean. So I just started, please, please, help me, please help me. And I just yell out please help me, jesus, please help me. And as soon as I said that, it was like you know, the North Star in the sky and look like that, and it was very, very, very far away.
Speaker 5:It looked like the North Star, but it started getting bigger little by little, little by little, little by little. And they all looked at it. And when they did, when they looked at it, they still seemed chaotic, but it was different. And then they all made perfect rows, perfect rows on the ground, like huddle up on the ground, like this, put their heads up into their knees, making these perfect rows and leaving a perfect trail from me to this light and the like. It's bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. And then out of the light comes out this Chinese dude, like Chinese, straight up, like from like those you know kung fu movies, with like kind of a little goatee. He had the robes I didn't want to do that, yeah, like I had the robe, but the whole thing. And he came over to him and I remember my exact words were Jesus, like that.
Speaker 5:And he grabbed my hand. And when he grabbed my hand, it's like my whole body and that's the interesting thing, it's like I was still connected to my body because I felt my whole body get really, really warm, like almost hot, and he started we start walking because they still made that path for us. And then I, as we're walking, I can notice things and but everything was darkness. And there was this big boulder, but the boulder was like, it was almost as if it was a shadow of a boulder Does that make sense? And we sat down on that shadow of a boulder and we're sitting down together and we're just sitting together and it just felt great just to even be with in that presence. And I said you know, you don't look like Jesus. And he just started changing, changing to a baby, a fat guy, a black kid, a Chinese, you know, just changing, changing like every, every type of person, you know gender, race, everything, just age, just changing, changing. And it filled me with so much happiness that I put my head down on his lap, just smiling. And then, and then he put his hand on me and he says I am everything and I am everyone. And then I looked up at him. It still makes me tear up because when he, when I did that, then he, when I looked up at him, he looked like the Jesus that we know from, like the paintings and stuff. But just to say I knew he was doing that for me, like I understood, like that's probably not what he looked like, like he was doing that for me to understand or to get that feeling. And then he just says I love you, bowie, like that.
Speaker 5:And I just came out of it. I opened my eyes. The flame on that candle was like this high and it was like and Christina was still walking to the bathroom. I felt like I was gone for a long time and it was like a millisecond, like you weren't. She didn't even pass my door yet, like she was like right where, like that's the part I don't understand, right. So then I turned the TV on again and I'm sitting there like you kind of feel like just happened, right. So I'm just sitting there watching the TV and then I close the TV again and I close my eyes and again the same exact thing. It was like I'm somewhere else, but this time it looked like. It was like very cloudy, right, very, very cloudy, like foggy, and my friend Steve the one that passed away was next to me.
Speaker 5:The interesting thing was there was nothing there, like I can't say. He was there physically, not like that dreamer. I saw him in a form. There was nothing there and we were like joking around and he was always more tough than it. I thought, you know, I was like I don't know about you and I said you know, steve, now that I'm bigger than you, you know I can fuck you up, right.
Speaker 5:And then he grew and again like I don't know how to explain it because there was nothing there, but he grew really big and then he came back to normal, whatever that means. He's like. He's like you know, paul, he's like over here I can do whatever I want and something about that. Like it was almost like just being with a friend. We were like kind of like joking. But when he said that, I felt something and when I felt that I turned around and I just see these legs, these massive legs, and I start walking over to them like looking up at it, and the higher the legs, the thicker, the like the fog was. You know what I mean.
Speaker 5:And I just like fell down in front of these ginormous legs and I'm crying. I said, father, I said I want to be more like you. I want to be more like you. I just can't. I said, actually, I'm just too lazy to try like that. And as soon as I said that, I'm like hanging from this cliff and I'm sitting there hanging and I'm like please help me, please help me, like yelling out for help. And I just see this hand come out of nowhere and just grabbed my wrist and like a little yank and I'm right by next to Steve again and Steve is like cracking up, laughing and he says would you think you would leave you like that. And I open my eyes. Yes, it still makes me feel messed up, like when I talk about it, I can feel it and no matter how many times I tell a story, I feel it Like it's no joke. And then I again the flame went that it was high and it went down again. I got that night, I got down on my knees and I'm like, please, please, please, let this all stop. Please, let this all stop. That night.
Speaker 5:That morning I woke up with the dog on my bed and not only that, my mom came in my room. She goes, what you doing in your room. I said, what do you mean? She goes, I don't know. It feels like it's light in here. That's what she said. Wow, yeah. And then after that you think like what the hell was all that Like? It felt like that ended that whole like year and a half, whatever that was, and I was trying to figure out like what was all of that. So of course I started to think like one you're thinking like, am I crazy? Well, I know I'm not crazy, because I had a shared experience. Like I can get them. Now a lot of years has passed. They'll probably have variations of that story, like you know, like a witness to a crime or something, but like, but the story will be solid for sure. I haven't even talked to Kim who knows how since then I don't, because then I moved to Italy and all that, so I don't know.
Speaker 5:But then I was thinking, I felt I bought this book and was about the Ouija board and there was a study that was done, I believe, in Toronto, and what they did is they got these people, this group, and they made up a story of a human that didn't exist and it was like this guy. He was kind of wealthy, he had this lover, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, and then he jumped off and killed himself, or he jumped off a bridge, right. So they said now we're going to contact this guy, and they did. They were trying to contact this person and it worked Right. And the more they played with it, the more it more things would happen, even to the point they said that metal plates will like start to like rattle and all of these things. How can that be? The stories made up, the spirit didn't exist, right. And that was the question.
Speaker 5:I started to think like well, okay, was this already happening, or was it the energy of us as a right, as a group, started making this manifest? So then I started to think like, well, if that didn't, if that's what it was, then how powerful are we? Because things were happening like that plan jet would like fly across the room, like a lot of things would happen. So, yeah, I mean I can keep on going with this, because I didn't. I didn't tell people, for some reason I would never tell. I started to tell people periodically in practice that for some reason it'll come up for me to tell them that story.
Speaker 5:And then but one woman, and this is I'm just bringing this up because maybe you might have some something to say about it I was treating this woman and she goes oh, you know, this is recent, this year, she's older or less. This was treated as one. She goes you know, there there's a master near right with you. I said, oh, yeah, who's that? She says Lento. No, I don't know who. That is Right. I said who's that? It goes oh, he's an ascended master. So I started to look it up and Lento, if you look him up on the internet, it's like what I saw. Like that Jesus figure of the Chinese guy is like that and he represents his Christ consciousness, but so I don't know. So I feel like there's more. And then I also feel like, well, I don't need to intellectualize it. It's more the feeling to me that that was important and it's also what kind of got me to start, really, like it changed my life, like I just started searching, like you know.
Speaker 5:So now, like I'm right, so it doesn't really matter, you know, I guess. But so from that, I think there's a lot of things about the afterlife that I think about, because that Steve would talk about this is obviously what the former parent of Ouija board. He would talk about these white people like the white people, because I said what happened to you after you passed away.
Speaker 5:He says, well, the white people took care of me, and he would talk about these white people, and I don't know what that is. But when I did that past life regression with Leila and I didn't go into a past life, but I was in the room with my mom and I and I, you know, died and I was sick and all that I saw this, this two white beings, and they were taking care of me, you know, and so I was like, oh, I don't know. I mean, if anyone has a comment on that, yeah, I'm curious, I'm curious.
Speaker 6:No, I'm curious.
Speaker 2:No no no, when I had my new death experience, I saw all the beings around me. Although it was still, it was just a really funny scene that I gave me. They made it look like I was in an operating room and they were all white, all looking at things, all white all around me. So I know it's what we call the. You know they were calling white people guys in a way, but they're a bit transition. You know whoever's in charge of making sure that things are big again. You know, like I said, they can care.
Speaker 2:When you were first talking, the reasons why you were okay you were okay with the video board and that you didn't learn a phrase is because you also had the near death experience and when you had that experience, you, there was a contract made so that there was a very powerful guy which I believe inside of I don't think it's the man who is the other one that is becoming to talk into you and that when you were talking, he showed up on that side and he was always, you know, had his hands on it and you know you were saying because I was protecting you, so nothing would have been afraid. You know you're not going to be aware of it. So these are the information between you and it gives you this sense of like nothing is going to get me because nothing could have gotten you anyway. And still nothing can get you, because they will always make sure of that. Because you are meant to travel into these weird places that most people haven't gone to, that they don't know how to navigate into or understand the meaning of. And you're meant to go into these places because you're supposed to have your experience with them and then you can talk about it and translate it into a way that you know then gives whatever to the people who are listening to it. And you're coming to that point where, if you want to, you can have go back and have any experiences they were, so you always have that near you and that explains the fear in that sense.
Speaker 2:There was something else that I was you remember that? Oh, the girl, the reasons why you need the girls. Because she has the ability to connect as an Indian. She's got the channel, the panel that I feel. Can I say something about?
Speaker 5:it real quick. It's something that was interesting about her. But she would also do like, when we would do it, we would also have a camera and take pictures. You know like sometimes you see like white dots and stuff like that. You know, what's fascinating about her is that we would take a picture and there would be nothing there. But if she said, if there's anything in the room, get in the picture, and we would take a picture, and not only would you see like white dots, there'll be like pink ones, blue ones, they can look like. I can't make this stuff up, but it was only with her. Like if I said that nothing.
Speaker 5:But if she said it, I'm telling you it would be like full.
Speaker 2:Yeah, full, you know what I mean, because she has a connection to the other side. No, it's her connection to the other side, just like she's not meant to be a medium in this life, at least she doesn't have to, unless she really wants to. But I think that experience was enough for her to say I don't want anything to do with it, although she was also very protective, you know, to others and so in a way impossible, you know, you would say, but that's why we're asking for her, because she was the vehicle, since they could come through from, through her, into the board is also a vehicle, the wiji board cars, the you know whether we're using like a spare, or a candle, or a scribe, mirror or you know whatever, they're just vehicles. It's not necessarily because they actually have the power, but it's because we believe they have the power, yeah.
Speaker 2:So they become a vehicle for that. Yeah, it's the wiji board specifically. Because there is such a strong belief in our faith in our humanity and belief in the best stuff coming through, it's most often just having it in the house. It's enough to just give an invitation to the things that you don't want, to, which at most of the time at first I think, your friends, people coming through, but then as because that's what they want and they want you to become addicted to it, they want you to depend on it.
Speaker 2:So they really drew you in and you got to experience how far in you had gotten you.
Speaker 5:Yeah, it would even get to the point when they were doing it, like Yuji was Danny and Kim that were doing it, because that's what it felt like it moved the smoothest. And I think it's because they were together, right, but it would also work with myself and her as well, like she needed to be on it. But there would be even to the point where she would be doing she was this isn't Steve, and she would stop. She's like this isn't Steve?
Speaker 2:She wouldn't know the feeling. Yeah, you know what I mean Because she's in it.
Speaker 5:Yeah, and it was happening more and more that that would happen, like we'd be doing something and then, as we were doing it, she's like it's not a fun. She's like this ain't Steve, like it was full of me.
Speaker 2:Because the Wikipedia bar keeps the door open. So sure, first you may have Steve and me, then be able to talk to grandpa or grandma or whatever you want to talk to. But because the door is open, then all kinds of other things comes in and it's like if you're turning a light into the darkness and the darkness like oh, it's something we can feed off of.
Speaker 5:But the feeling I can even feel, like I can open it with, just bringing that feeling of it, because it has a specific feeling. Yeah, I mean at least the way I felt it, right, it's like I can remember that feeling and that feeling is like it feels, like it's open, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the thing is that oftentimes people don't know to close it after you're done with the session and then, because you could do it in the same space or you use the same people, you guys become a door.
Speaker 2:And when you become a door, then wherever you go you're opening that door. You only have to think about it, so it's in the door. And that's the problem with doing stuff like that. It's sure, for fun, it's great and there's nothing necessarily wrong with it, but it definitely. I think it should be done with caution. I don't necessarily care to use those things Because there's enough stuff around in the world we don't have to go in the open.
Speaker 5:Yeah, no, I know. That's why I kind of like then, years later, I even wanted to write a story about it and the reason I did it is like for what? Like for other people to read it, and then be like I'm going to do that too, Like Issa already. Like Issa is only 10 years old, he's like daddy, he wants to play with it, right, because he sees videos on YouTube and stuff like that, and I'm like you don't need it.
Speaker 2:Oh, I remember my doctors wanting to play. I was like no, we got enough going on in this house. So that's the week before we're doing that, but I think that's a curiosity.
Speaker 4:Yeah, of course yeah. What did you end up doing with that?
Speaker 5:Why did you? Talk to.
Speaker 4:Gorkio.
Speaker 2:Then what did you do with that?
Speaker 5:I stuck it in my Honda Civic in Italy and it was there for many years, really, yeah. And then I came home and then I forgot that I put it there. And then one day I was like I think it's somehow, I think me and Danny start talking about it, because Danny would be like do you ever think about it? I'm like, yeah, not really. But I also think like we went on different stories, like my thing was I became obsessed with like there's something else out there and I need to know, and everyone else just kind of just kept living their life. So then he would be like he got upset for a while.
Speaker 5:He would be like obsessed with watching, like there's paranormal investigative shows, like he was all into that and I'm like, why don't you watch these things? And I mean, this is years ago now. And he's like because I feel like sometimes I feel like did that really happen to us? Did that really happen? I don't want to play with it to see if it was real. My thing was like a year and a half of us doing that Like and we have the same stories to tell, like what about it is not real to you. You know.
Speaker 5:It's almost like, as time went on, it's like they convinced themselves, like did that really happen? Yeah, how can it not be? If you what you're saying didn't not happen, I can say the same exact story back to you, like what's not real about it? You?
Speaker 2:understand what I'm trying to say. Yeah, like why would you remember the same thing if it wasn't real?
Speaker 5:Yeah, so, so anyway, I got, I end up calling a priest Actually was the priest that kicked me out of high school, and but he came over, father Baiso, he came over and he got it and he just said to me I know what to do with it.
Speaker 2:Great, oh, that's good. Yeah, I don't know what to do with it.
Speaker 5:But yeah, he just came over and he took it.
Speaker 2:No, but I think I think what you experience, especially in that darkness and having calling in on Jesus or the father, you know, creator, whoever, whatever you want to call it I love the fact that it changed multiple different things and that's really true. They just show a virgin of themselves that it's acceptable to us. It's not something that we can deal with and in moments that's what I felt, affected with the Chinese, you know. No, first time that I met that I had like the few seconds with God too, if you want to call it that way. He didn't really say anything, but he was sitting in the corner, you know, stirring his tea, having a cup of tea and, you know, motion to go into the next day, and I was just a few seconds. It was such a peaceful, beautiful place to be.
Speaker 2:It really it's like that's the most amazing thing about having the experience is the feeling that you have in the moment. It's really indescribable, you know, like the age of it isn't something that you can be created here in this reality. Yeah you can, you can. And it's it's. You feel that you're part of it all and you feel like you have the understanding. You want to hold onto it for as long as you can. You know, in that moment Everything is completely out of like, all your worries and nothing is existing but your moment.
Speaker 2:Then you feel that there's immense joy, love and peace from within. It's just beautiful, and I think for a lot of people there's things that often find to look forward to recreate that feeling over and over again, because it is, you know, it's a beautiful thing, the time that you were talking about now, in those moments when you go to those windows and you go into a different reality like you did. It doesn't take much, you only have to blink and you're there, you know, if you want to, and it will not hold the laws that we know. You might have the laws of gravity, you might have the laws of time, so it doesn't all that doesn't exist in that.
Speaker 2:My experience in that way I had it. I mean, I've had many as old, but the ones that really was that like, break me out, because I was really young. I was, like you know, eight or nine years old. We were in this old house that was, like you know, like three or four hundred centuries old and all out of stone, and we were living there for the summer with my parents and I was like they made a cop for me in the kitchen and it was all stone. So it was all stone and everything.
Speaker 2:When we had a dog and the dog was always set up by the little sun, I thought it was not wrong with it and I got like walking out in the middle of the night and because I'm hearing a dog walking in the house, you can hear, because there's a stone, you can hear the nails hitting into on the stone, and I wake up and immediately like the window. Usually it was right above me and since then I need a window in my room, like I have to keep reference. You know breaking out so much and that window was no longer there. It was actually moved into the other wall, the opposite wall, so it was. It's been above me with Mexican, which was like that when am I? You know, there's not, you know, it just looks very different.
Speaker 2:But it still kind of felt familiar and I kept hearing the dog walking around and people talking and you know, and it just I knew I wasn't where I was supposed to be and I pulled the couplers over my head and I said, you know a little Hail Mary and prayer and kind of thing, and that was like I hope when I look again it's back and I pulled down the couplers, the window's still where it's not supposed to be, there's still people talking and the dog walking around.
Speaker 5:Did you understand the people?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, they were speaking Italian and everything, and so I do it again, you know, and I just stay there until I don't hear anything anymore. When I pulled down the coupler, the window was back behind me and I was awake the whole thing. I was not sleeping, you know, and it was just. It was a freaky thing. And to think about it when I in the morning asked my parents, is that, was the dog inside? Was the dog actually inside? It happened for the first time, but I heard the dog in front of the house.
Speaker 5:Yeah, I don't know. I mean these type of. As I get older, I try not to put too much attention on, because you can very easily become a person that just seeks these type of experiences and I feel like that's not the point and the point that I've gotten from these experiences is not the point.
Speaker 2:You know what? I mean, I think when people try to, there's a lot of, I think, influencing that people wanting to do astrotravel, that's what really? Is what you did and what I experienced. I'm travel after travel out of body experiences and it's like wanting to do that. They think it's just, you know, for fun. And I prefer things are happening because if they're happening to you without you trying to do it, it's usually for a reason and for whatever experience you need to get out of it.
Speaker 2:But when you force it, I I you never know what's going to happen Exactly you don't know what's going to happen and you don't know if you're going to come out of it.
Speaker 2:I think sometimes when people do the journeys with these, like how you ask, I think how you ask is a little bit more of an stable type of medicine, you know, unless it's done from a real medicine man or or what you know I call it.
Speaker 2:But I feel that that instability will reflect the instability of the person. And when people have the you know, that experience with how you ask, because they were out of, out of alignment with their life path, with their selves, their truth and the plant and you know, whatever it's going to have, they kind of show that in that one and then they have that, that that experience with those of it, and it always makes you feel that they just want to be done at the right time or like at the right intent or with the right. So even when people try to ask for trouble, I feel that if you're forcing it that you may end up having it. It's similar experience if you're not conscious of what's going on in your life and I know that whenever I did things like that, I was always a protector, being next to me, famous for you.
Speaker 5:You always had someone that you know, even the hand that came down to rescue from the house to let you know you always you know, bring that up Like what I always thought about that, because I said I wish I could be more like you, but I can't. The truth is I'm too lazy to try. And then I was hanging from the cliff, I know Right. So my whole life, like from that experience, I was thinking I was hanging from the cliff because I'm being punished, because I'm not trying, and it was yeah.
Speaker 7:You're too lazy now to save your life, yeah.
Speaker 5:And then later on I realized like, oh, it's me doing it to myself. Yes, you think that you're too lazy to do it, but it's getting you.
Speaker 2:And the. Moment you said that you were hanging off, and it's like that's the victim state, that powerlessness that you put yourself into. And even with that, though, the kindness of creator became an insane during life, and it was just enough, but it was exactly what you needed to give you and the fact that, like Steve was cracking up laughing like, almost like would you, you think you would be laughing Like.
Speaker 5:You know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, it's interesting yeah.
Speaker 2:I think it's beautiful what you're sharing and I know.
Speaker 2:I know we're being quiet. We got all these nasty kind of quiet noises. Um, we got the cookie out of the jar. He was just thumb, thumb, thumb, thumb, thumb. I can put my hand in the bag. Everyone stops talking. You know, I don't know if this relates to it or not, but I'm just going to bring it out and I'm happy to hear, or whatever. Um, I said, yes, dave, yesterday, the night before.
Speaker 2:I've been struggling and I'm not, I haven't, I haven't yet, I've yet to sit down with my guy and I see what's going on and I know that doing what we're doing is definitely. There is almost, like, I feel like a pressure for me to figure this part out and it relates into what you're doing a little bit in many, what you were saying, because it's to do with negative energies and entities. So I do clear an enormous amount of entities around and I don't do it because I believe in it, but I do it because it is on people and it's affected people's lives and you know that kind of thing. Now, I've been doing it for a long time and you know, um, but I'm trying, I'm starting to see that maybe there is something that I want to see, because I'm starting to feel so much more pain associated with that, and that's the thing I don't want to feel so much so you're feeling pain from clearing things.
Speaker 2:Yes, because when I work with people actually it's not necessarily when I work with people it's like it's almost as if and I know that my body, when I sleep, goes out and does whatever. You know, does it something and you know should be good, and I've made agreements with my guys and I made it so that it should be okay. You know that I shouldn't have to feel any repercussion, but inevitably, if someone is thinking about me or if somebody's in need, or, let's say, somebody ended up on my TikToks and watches one of the videos that I have out there and they have stopped, they will wake me up, or I'll wake up with all these things that you know, their energy and whatever stuff is affecting them, and I'll feel it in my body. Most of it is entity. A lot of people live with entities and they don't even know, and that's okay, you get used to it, it's not a big thing.
Speaker 2:It can cause a lot of pain, though, and so some people have cried pain, and then they don't realize or they don't know that it's because of, you know, an entity that is attached to it.
Speaker 2:It doesn't mean that all pain is because of that, you know. But what is bothering me is that I'm feeling it more and it's affecting me a little bit more and actually since we started doing this, so it's either they are exposing me to me more, like extending my awareness. I'm trying to talk to them. I'm not really even last night or the night before, because I was talking, I was feeling like three or four hours of stuff and it's not even mine, that it just happens to be on me, that I don't even know from who this is from, and it's frustrating and, you know, it affects me a little. My last few things are harder than that thing and I, you know, it's like I'm getting tired of it, and I was having a conversation with them. It was like, you know, almost like what he was saying. It's like take it away, take it away you know, but I haven't necessarily understood it, so I don't know.
Speaker 6:Why do you think it's worse than since you started doing this?
Speaker 2:I don't know.
Speaker 5:Since you've been doing this.
Speaker 2:Since we've been doing the 12th Kangya it's not worse than like. I feel a lot more Meaning. I know that as we're sitting and doing this kind of thing, your frequency and vibration will be brought up to the maximum level. So whoever's bringing the most is bringing you up.
Speaker 2:But because you're also exposing yourself to the need to think, to knowledge. You're also hoping yourself up to speak about things that it's almost like preparing they're always preparing people into like with different experiences, so that you can talk about it At least that's the way knowledge might suit and so that you know if, even the future, six months from now, there may be someone that needs a specific message. I'm having the experience now so that I can learn from it and then, when that happens, I can say, oh, I know everything about it, I can tell you exactly what's going on and I understand it and that's fine. But the physical pain, especially lately for that couple of weeks where I felt other people's stuff, it's like a lot. It's almost in the case of like.
Speaker 2:At first I think that it might like something's going on with me, and then I realize that someone else is in when I work with that person it goes away like that. You know, it kind of hijacks my life and that's the part that I don't think I'm not too happy about. And then I thought maybe it's because they want me to put attention to it, because if we're doing, we're going to expose ourselves more and putting these things out and there's going to be more people listening and they need to be triggered and it might be kind of out there, you know, as a self serve. You know, hey, do whatever you want, I'm there for you. As far as being the kind of real step, and maybe that's what's up with change.
Speaker 5:I mean that's something we need to think about, right, because one of the reasons why what I enjoy about this is that, like you know, we talked about this Simone is like I teach and doing the classes here for a long time. It was like eight, eight, nine years, you know, I mean and and you would walk away sometimes like loaded. You know you walk away with people, stuff and you do kind of just like what I told you in the beginning of the night, like that sort of like where I felt and that was just from one person, obviously, because I have a connection with this person, you know in a deep way with my mom.
Speaker 5:But like, where you go away, like people feel great, and then you're walking away with this, this burden that you've got to like, transmute it so now.
Speaker 5:And what I liked about doing something like this is because eventually I'm hoping to get away with working with people, even one on one, right? I, I, what? If you ask me what I see myself doing, if I'm being total honest, I've been seeing myself doing this since I was younger and we're just, I'm just speaking and people are listening and and not healing anymore, because the more and more I'm doing practice, I don't feel people need healing. I don't see that. I think what they need it's something actually that Razzoul said. He said you have one job here because it's to sip by the river and hand out glasses of water and let them remember that then they too have a connection to the river. And and I see that if I feel it more and more, and when I feel it, I feel like, ah, that's what I'm supposed to be doing, and I do it under the guise of I'm healing you or I'm assisting in your healing, but like that I'm. You're doing it one by one, just like right now.
Speaker 5:You did something with like I see, I've seen you do this a million times, even to myself. I've seen you do it with family members. You go and you do something and you help transmute something a little bit Like. It's like, if you're on AM, at least I'll put you on the FM. I don't even know what station, but it's actually we'll start from there, right, but I don't know. I feel like we're going out of that. I'm not saying just us, I just feel like it's the time has become unfinished. Anything you want to know, I just cleared my first Simone career. No, I'm joking, I just um no, you probably did, because I just felt something
Speaker 5:new. I just I feel like you know, my teacher always says he goes acupuncture is not about knowing all these points, or you know, or herbalism is to know all these herbs. He goes because if you, if you needed that, because you don't even need to go to school anymore, it's all on YouTube. He goes. It's all on YouTube. The Qi Gang, everything it's on YouTube. Any meditation technique, it's all out there. It's you like the vessel, like that, it's you and I just feel like doing what we were doing, I don't know if it's needed as much anymore. I just feel like now it's just to get it out there and whoever's going to resonate it resonates with it. But you don't need to be picking up the the, the liver that they put behind.
Speaker 2:No, I don't. I'm just wondering why you are because, because, when I started doing this work and what you just said is, like you know what Brazil told us to be at the river and hand out the water. You not making the water, you're probably not even making the glass, you just they are, you're passing out it right and when I first started I felt so bad seeing you know the pain and feeling the suffering of people.
Speaker 2:Not because it's not come from a place that I think I can, it's because I also work here, you know, in that place, and it's it's. It's a moment of ways to start. It's confusing, it's it's manning, you know. It's like you're looking for answers, you can't find them and I, I think in my mind, I just want to help people in that way. I don't want them to feel that way, but it's not. That's a good thing. So that that's what I need to change. It's not, it's not my duty, it's not my job to relieve all that suffering, and as much as I want to, it's it's probably. You know, there's a different way to do it, and that's what I think I need to change.
Speaker 5:Yeah, I don't know. I mean, if I know, I would tell you. Sometimes I think I also can feel it already. Yeah, I can feel it already Go ahead.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry.
Speaker 5:No, I was thinking. When you're talking, I kept thinking that Padre Pio was coming to my mind. You know what I mean. Like everyone loves Padre Pio, but no one wanted to go near his little cell when it was nighttime and he was dealing with shit, right, everyone thought, even his brothers. You know the monks would talk about it. Like you know, you know we don't go there.
Speaker 5:I think that's like the birding of being a healer, someone that's compassionate, feels like. You know what I mean, like, and I'm not I'm. I'm saying this not to talk about myself, but just to like to relate to you. It was like, even like I was telling Megan today, I think I was telling you, or or they like they even just go to the gym and go on the treadmill. I can't do it because you look at those fucking TV screens with all the news and you're like running and you're crying and like because you can feel, not not just the feel of the people that are suffering from. It is the feel of like. Why are they even transmitting this through to everybody? Especially a moment where, like, you're just there with your body and I can't even run, like I completely lose my power, that I go and I'll do something else. So I'm not near the TV's because one it's my fault, I can't help but look at it.
Speaker 5:So again, one I think is like what brings us to be healers is one is one, I think a lot of times we're looking for our own feeling. At least for me, I can say that was pretty for sure. And then the second is also that we're compassionate. You know what I mean. Like I know if someone started choking downstairs or something like that, most likely everyone at this table would run down there. It's just you know. I mean, it's just you know, a part of it.
Speaker 2:As much as you know, I'm grateful to have the ability to to pretty much really see as much as I need to see in the person and feel and know, you know, when it comes down to that, just knowing that they're suffering, you know it definitely is a trigger. So I have to definitely change that and I think in my mind, what else? I think the other thing that catches, it probably have to change and then just set it. And I think we pursue those words because this is exactly what I needed to hear and it always most often it comes down to how we perceive.
Speaker 2:And we made agreements 10 years ago and they're still running and it's just about changing them. You know, and sometimes we forget that we started something with a different intent and you may be a different person now if I am than I was 10 years ago and I need to change that, I need to upgrade it, you know. And the one thing that I part of myself say over and over again oh, it's easy for me, it's just easy, I can just do it, it'll take me seconds, and I'll just do it because it takes me seconds, because it's easy. But that's a cause to me and I think I need to be careful and I need to start safeguarding that and not say it just because it's easy.
Speaker 5:It doesn't mean that I should just go about and do it and yeah, I mean you can ask Glorzer like going, like doing the day you know I'll work to like nine o'clock at night, I don't care. But the problem because I say the same thing they need help, they need help. But now I'm getting to a point where, like sometimes, like I'm tired, like I like I come home and I just feel like I have no attention to talk to Esau or Layla, or just like because I just gave everything that I had away and I'm still doing it, like I'm still doing it, but more and more it's like I don't think I can do this anymore. Yeah, you know what I mean. I mean we're getting older, it's okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, thank you. I feel like I've had a ssssss.
Speaker 6:Not I mean I don't feel physical pain of people, but just as being a therapist, if I reflect on like the last 10 years of doing this, I feel like as a person I've changed. I sometimes like not for better, because I feel like, yeah, I give like all of myself to my clients at times, or I've heard and experienced things with my clients that are very heavy or traumatic that I spend so much time alone now by myself and because I feel like I can't. I just feel like I don't have the energy to go out and be with people all the time.
Speaker 6:So, it's not physical pain and I guess, like I don't know how to maybe set the boundaries for myself around that.
Speaker 2:I'm not sure. I don't think I certainly don't set enough boundaries again, because it's just too easy for me and I think it's that's the biggest mistake. So, and as we move forward, the more people are going to come in and the more you know we spoke someone like me, like, and you know I need to stay at guard that yeah, I think that's what maybe, and I'll come in and see, but I'm pretty sure that's what I want to do.
Speaker 5:I mean, I don't know why you're feeling it more that we're doing this. That's what the question I'm having.
Speaker 6:My first fear was, like, because I am someone who like believes, like oh, I probably have like some entities that follow me around and we were just talking this morning, there's like this, like a filter on TikTok was like oh, like you could see, like your guardian angel or like if you have a demon, and so I like, took a picture of my room, the other day and I have this frame picture of like an archangel, but I don't have it hanging.
Speaker 6:It's like on the floor and the picture like came up, but it changed the picture inside and then there was like this demon standing next to it. I was like of course like this makes sense to me. But so like I'm. When you were, when you first started talking about it, I was like oh, no, like no, but that's also.
Speaker 5:That's also, I think, like something that we always talk about. We always think like we're the bad guy, like we're the one doing, because as soon as she said it, I was like shit, you might make an appeal, like you know what I mean, but I also know to override it Like it's just like I know that thought I know it and I'm not sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I know, because of you know, even like the, anytime there is a gathering like this and you are especially talking about spirituality you're pretty much saying to the university you're open to growth, you're open for growth, you're open to change, you're open for an upgrade or for anything. You know, and even the way that they come through for you, leo, and how you can feel like they're busy because they're trying to, you know, open you up to the channel, and so they know that that's something that you can do. So they're taking the opportunity of a gathering because it's easier to manipulate our frequency. When there is a huge gathering, because all of us is, there's so much more energy than just one person, so I can be sitting by myself and do this work and this one thing, but all together. That's when nobody's doing anything wrong here. It's not that.
Speaker 2:But I do know that we're all they're bringing us up to wherever it is that we need to do, and this is the vehicle and then, whichever, wherever we need to go, then we'll go. Whatever you need to do, you'll get to do whatever you need to do with fucking yeah. So we'll say it very quickly and we'll do that. So it's and I know that that's true also for those that listen, you know, because the right people didn't listen to whatever it is that we're talking about. But I will find it and then we'll get whatever it is that they need it. So I think the vehicle is the authority, but yeah, it does not do anything.
Speaker 4:Yeah. No, no, it's just, it's just.
Speaker 2:I think it's going to get my attention on changes that I need to make.
Speaker 6:Yeah, so I will say, after the last time we met I went home, I pulled towel. The next day two of my toes were in so much pain and then like up into my ankle and I never really had physical pain in my body. So I was like trying, I was thinking about like, is it from like us meeting? Is it something that like I'm trying to show myself like and I don't? I don't know what like different body parts mean or what, but I it was really painful for a couple days and then it went away and then tonight it's back, like, since I got here, which one is it the right or the left?
Speaker 2:That's my left, the right, left, yeah, the big toe. And then the left toe.
Speaker 6:No, it's the two. And like next to my big toe, the two.
Speaker 5:Because that demon in your picture you're like oh no he's definitely a toesack. I suck toes.
Speaker 6:And then it's like right here, like in the front of my ankle, and what I saw, though, was like a, like a chain around like my ankle Interesting yeah.
Speaker 2:So what about? How are you? Feeling Trigger. What do?
Speaker 7:you think that chain represents?
Speaker 6:Probably my first thought is to stay where I'm at, like to like. I know, like, even if there's things in my life I really want to change, I know exactly what is going, what happens when I'm living my life the way I'm living my life, right. So it's like even just coming, it's opening something up, opening something else for me. So it's like that I felt like is just go back to like, just stay where you are, like you don't.
Speaker 7:You mean something's influenced when you did not do anything.
Speaker 6:Or like just a fear of my like for myself, like coming for myself of like you may not be completely happy, but at least you know what to expect. And when you put yourself out there, then you're risking being seen, which is not really something I'm comfortable with. So it's like I feel like I speak the truth a lot in my own mind, but like letting it out is like a whole other sort of all game.
Speaker 7:Isn't it funny how we all will dream or fantasize about being more popular popular bigger, you know, having more abilities but when we actually try to do it, the fear of actually being out there and putting yourself out there. So I'm not ready for this and we can step right back again.
Speaker 6:Yeah, I'm very clear on that. For myself, it's like like it's good enough Like if you put your, if you do this workshop, or if you, you know, fix your advertising, you know what's going to happen, right? Like can I say?
Speaker 5:something. This is going off the subject, but like so today, like you and Layla were talking about how to improve your business, Right, but then you you just said about um, like you, being seeing patients, and then you're, you're alone because, like you know you, you feel like loaded. Uh huh. Then. So then when you were saying, I was thinking like, oh, that sounds for me. It sounded odd because you're saying like today I'm hearing you talking about like you want to do something to get more patients.
Speaker 6:But then just now you were talking about like because it's like I feel like it's a cycle, but it's also like this is all I know how to do, like I feel like I have to continue doing what I'm doing. I don't feel like I'm meant to be doing something else. So, even if it leads me to like being alone all the time, I'm not going to stop being a therapist. I don't want to be all alone, but it also it's becoming my commitment. I'm hearing like different things.
Speaker 5:Like like I don't want to stop being a therapist, but if I keep being a therapist it's going to actually add on to me being alone, because Because there's a hope of it changing and getting like, if I improve the business here and that improves, that will make me happier.
Speaker 6:There's a hope that these other things will shift too Right, and I think it's more about taking care of myself and setting boundaries and also yeah.
Speaker 5:I wasn't like getting to a point. I was for myself. I was trying to get clear on.
Speaker 2:What is it that? What will make you what like? What would be your ideal job? You know, if you could spend your day?
Speaker 6:doing something. I really love being a therapist and I even if before my sessions I have a lot of anxiety I come out of them energized and I'm like, okay, that was good, like we made progress today, like most of them know, but like you know so and it feels very natural to me so. So I want to continue doing that, but there's I think it's my own pressure I put on myself that there's days that I'm like maybe really nice if I was just like working at Dunkin Donuts, or like there's nothing wrong with Dunkin Donuts, but like something where I don't have stress. Yeah, I give no responsibility. I think I put a lot of pressure on yes, that exactly Like you have people coming and paying you to help them like get to a better place, and sometimes in my heart I feel like you have like there's so much that you still need to grow and and heal. Like who are you to be sitting and trying to take care of someone?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was just about to say that.
Speaker 7:I love to say that you have to perform as they have to perform all the time, and then you hope that the person that's paying you doesn't catch on to the dummy.
Speaker 6:That's my fear, but it's not real.
Speaker 7:But we both did. Expectation, you know, and some working in Dunkin Donuts, the expectation is that you give them a hot coffee.
Speaker 6:Yeah, and then they leave yeah, and that's this, and it's all the way, yeah.
Speaker 5:But you know, I was watching this video today of what's his name, Gabber Gabber Matay here. I mean, he's a very, very famous therapist and he told the story how he came home. It's his birthday. They're singing happy birthday, sorry, and his son is like I'm not singing Middle kid and he's, like you know, singing happy birthday for me and the kids are like I don't want, I just want the cake. So he slapped him across the face For that moment I was like man.
Speaker 5:That's crazy. They told that story. He's supposed to be the seasoned professional and he told he just told how he basically smacked the sun in the face. I watched that video and I had tremendous respect for him Because he's not trying to act like he knows more than anybody, right, I'm just being honest. He's being honest of what he is.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 5:You know what I mean and I think, like you've helped me with a lot of things, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3:And I do feel like I'm honest with my clients. I don't like.
Speaker 6:I tell them, when it's appropriate, things I've experienced in my life or like in not all these things, but like to relate, like I'm not, like I don't pretend that I have everything together or yeah.
Speaker 5:I feel my patience, like my, like. When I go to the bathroom this smells like Chinese food, like at every overseas. It's like like she believed me.
Speaker 4:She's like I believe everything he's telling me this story. I haven't learned my lesson yet.
Speaker 6:I believe everything that comes out of his mouth. I'm with you. Still. He called me this morning and it was like Megan, happy birthday. But um, listen, I'm at Planet Fitness right now and I need you to grab a pair of Frankie's pants and bring them to me. I'm like, are you okay? I'm like, did you shit your pants? Like, yeah, I did.
Speaker 3:I'm like you're not being serious. I am. I'm in the stall right now Like I need you to tell me.
Speaker 6:I was like I don't, I don't think I believe you. It's constant.
Speaker 7:Call them out over his blood wall. I don't have an ID. You're going to have to come to the door to get them.
Speaker 5:Sometimes I wonder if we brought ourselves to the extreme. You know what I mean. We wanted it.
Speaker 5:Bring ourselves to the extreme, like like you're talking about, like that imposter syndrome or that. I think about that for myself, like something that I'm really, for instance, death right, the thought of death scares most people. So you're seeing a lot of like shamanic cultures where they'll like, well, bear you, like you know, go bring it to that place so you can get over it. So I remember Pino. He's like that, he does.
Speaker 5:My cousin, pino, doesn't like to be seen and he was talking about like dressing up in a Batman like suit, with just like the underwear, like we don't make himself look foolish, and just walk around Philadelphia and talk to people and like because everyone's going to see you and that like really bothers him. So he's like, maybe if I put myself in some like ridiculous outfit and walk around town where people I know are going to be looking at me, it brings you to that extreme. I don't, I'm not, I don't have any, I'm just. I just came to me. I was wondering, like what do you think about that? Like just exposing exactly everything that you are. Like going to a bar and meeting a guy like hi, my name is Maggie and I'm a therapist and we're scared right now, but at the same time I like you you know, I'm trying to say like totally put yourself out there just just to get over it. And then you're like, yeah, all right, I don't know, I'm not saying that the worst face you're on fears. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I never work with people thinking that I know everything and you know, I don't look at it that way, because I know that I still have so much to learn and understand.
Speaker 2:But I also know that if that person is in shock, and it's in my team that I have something that I can give to them. So if you just change your thinking into that way and get that out of you know thinking who am I to tell the truth? And it goes. You're there, most likely there because you have a good, healthy work thing, you know. And the other thing is that often times you may be the vehicle for them to have a bit of speed, and so as well, and you need to be attentive to that as well Because, like bad experience in therapy, in therapy or in anything like as a dealer, you're very intuitive.
Speaker 2:You have, and you know I don't remember, because they're just faintly remember that you may have to write something about, like programs for children, that something we talked about that you haven't done yet. Right, and it's scaring me to the beat and I think what that's, what is that you're feeling, is that you're afraid of your own power. So it's much more comfortable to keep yourself in this way, so you know exactly what you can do. And then, if you think that stuff to go because if you think about it, you're right handed, right. So if you need to, if you work at, check the water or the lake. What can we put in that, like you know whether it's one of the after-warmers or you don't even want to put it in, just the toes that's going to show up. And so that's what you're afraid of, is you need to step and check. You don't even get on the show that you're afraid of doing yourself.
Speaker 2:That. It's not because you don't know, it's mostly because you're not comfortable with that exposure and you just don't want to be too. You know, you don't know what you're up to, and if you look past that, if it goes, you don't think you can stand up to someone's question. You're afraid, and so, ah, yeah, yeah, and that's. And the thing is that that's your old self, that used to be that way. And you, you know, I can see you're, maybe you're all coming in to dance, right, right, you know, but it's an offense to me about that, but but you actually have already a lot more knowledge, you know.
Speaker 6:And you're right, because I actually for a while, like I felt very afraid to like speak up about things I believe in or and my last relationship I won't say names, but like we were and I actually had talked to you since that but we were on like totally different ends of the spectrum on beliefs and in the past the old me would have just stayed quiet, you know, and probably would have just like bent their way and I just couldn't do that and I feel like that was my first time speaking up and just being like no, this is what I believe in and you're not going to change my mind. I'm sorry, like I have to go with what is what really feels true to myself. And even though that relationship ended, it really built my confidence into being like you know what. It's okay if someone doesn't believe the same things as you and and it's okay for you to continue to believe what you believe in. So that that really helped me in that relationship.
Speaker 2:I think it comes out more when it's something to do with the things and you're completely responsible on everything that you do. On the shoulder, like in the relationship, it's always 50-50. So the other person can take 50% of the responsibility off. You know, you know we point the fingers that you know what you know, you're big over you, but it's just a project your career, your movement and growth and it's a process. That's the life on the shoulders and, as I say that you're plugging this chain up, it's like whoa, natalie look at that.
Speaker 4:I'm not doing that, yet I want to do it.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, we're not ready, and that's all it is. It's just again that mind. You think it does not really, but it's all we got.
Speaker 6:I know I think about that a lot. I'm always like, oh, Simone is such a mess. Simone is a mess and it's coming. It has to come at some point and I think, when you saw me, probably that's what was like damn it, there's fucking that I didn't think about those books.
Speaker 2:It's like she's gonna know.
Speaker 6:I mean, I do think, and I'm like you know about what they should. I'm sorry for the first thing I do think about like what they should be. I know, you know, but Nothing and what happened to you.
Speaker 2:You know I didn't feel right.
Speaker 2:You know wherever my going back to how I was feeling through it.
Speaker 2:The interesting thing is that the both doing the drawings and even this are the two things that feel more natural than anything else in my life right now and it's I'm not going to question it because they feel right and I'm just going to handle what's in front of me right now and even though the goal there is other goals you know, further ahead and I stick to most of what feels right, what feels good.
Speaker 2:I feel that with the healing or at least I think the one way to let go of the clearing of the entity, that I think the one way to put that behind the better is tapping and if there is any, any kind of currently fewer that is stuck to the healing was because of the weight of handling people's stuff, and the people stuff is the negativity, the energy that actually is within the body because of the way they're thinking, and then you know you're the conduit to all that and whichever form that may be, and that gets passed and you know you go up. So I think I need to, I need to sort of end this with that aspect and just stay strictly with what can be through the one that often not be able to do it in that way.
Speaker 6:I feel like just you talking about it tonight, I feel like we'll make a change for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, they did it already. It was you saying, you know, saying like the, the, the results and stuff that you did, and then it got to water.
Speaker 5:You know, when I was, when you were just saying, and now I was seeing like the thing of like turning the light on, and I was thinking like I remember when I first started and I would see someone in like in Chinese there's a style of of acupuncture called five element, where they do these treatments called internal dragons, right, and it's for like the possession trait treatments and I would do them here and there. And then I remember one time being with my teacher, my Japanese teacher Kiko, that she doesn't care about that stuff, like she never talks about it, nothing. And she was doing a seminar and she was working on someone and this guy, which I knew for sure was a five element acupuncturist, he's like when are you going to address the spirit? And she was just like what do you mean? She said you're doing nothing to address the spirit and he left. I remember I mean it was almost the end but he left and I remember like she was, she didn't care, she's just, that's her personality, she's just like on phase, she's just doing whatever she's doing. But I started thinking a lot about what he said, like yeah, like she's not addressing the spirit, but I've been with her for a long time and whatever she does, it works.
Speaker 5:And I realized I felt like it doesn't matter, right? Like I even look at this, it's the way I've been looking at Lyme disease as well. Like Lyme disease is to me, it's very similar to someone being like possessed by something. Right, it's this thing that gets everywhere and you can't separate it, like it's like intertwined. That's what we say when someone's possessed, right. It's like this spirit that's inside that that you don't know who's who anymore, right? But I know my other teacher. When I've seen him treat people with Lyme, I never saw him attack the Lyme, which was interesting. The few times I got the privilege to watch him treat someone with Lyme, he's always what we call harmonizing them right, where look their body can like function and, you know, do whatever it can do.
Speaker 5:And I think that sometimes it's the same way when you're like clearing. I don't know if you really need to clear all the time, because if you, when you're talking to someone and doing what you do, you're helping them change the way, I do it Right. And so even if there is an entity you're making it in an environment where it doesn't want to stay Right, it's just like over here. If I keep with all the breadcrumbs in this and that might get a cat grouch or a mouse or something. But if I always clean and everything else, most likely it's not going to happen.
Speaker 5:And I think it's the same way. You don't need to get rid of the entity, but if you teach that person to keep cleaning their mind or do whatever it is that they need to do right, or like you teach him, like Megan, to be like no step out, like do you know, do this, and then she starts you start doing it that demon that you're like, scared of this entity, will probably that entity will not go because that's the environment that it needs. So you don't need to do all the cleaning. It'll just leave on its own.
Speaker 5:Because I feel like I was riddled with things my whole life. You know what I mean. Like I was close to killing myself everything. You know what I mean. Why do I feel so far away from that now? I mean it's only been like 15 years. What happened in those 15 years? I think that I let go of that story. No clearing needed to be involved. You know what I mean? Like they were just like, I don't like you here anymore. I'm leaving and I'll find another place. You know what I mean. Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 5:But, I still like Sage and I do, you know, I like the ritual of all of it. You know what I mean. I do like all of that, but I do think that, yeah, I don't think you need to do it all the time.
Speaker 2:Like no, probably that's good. I think it's um yeah.
Speaker 5:Because I think, if you didn't and you just talked to them, you're still doing the same thing, because you know, like Jesus and it's something I used to think about a lot when Jesus said that spirit will leave and come back with five of his bodies, you know what I mean and that's what it feels like.
Speaker 2:It just keeps coming back. Yeah, oh my God.
Speaker 5:But if they know, if someone doesn't change the landscape, that makes home for that being anyway. Why wouldn't they come back? Well, absolutely, yeah. You know like, yeah, you're going to get rid of them.
Speaker 2:But as soon as you're not there anymore, the all right, because it's clear we'll look back to the same thing, and I understand that the problem was that because of and perhaps you know and I try all kinds of things you know for I strutting myself down at night, it's like waking up with stuff on me and not even knowing where it came from you know, like and just being absolutely loaded, or in the house and for us going to the grocery store and then having to do like a nexusism because we've got home all kinds of things, Like I want to stop all that, but I think that that's the case because I do that too much.
Speaker 2:So there is, like you know, that would be a trap as well.
Speaker 5:Right, so you're like a like, a bug, like.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like a more than I get it like a huge magnet. So I think, you know, I think the attention is being brought to that because I'm not seeing it getting it better, I'm seeing it getting it worse. That's what I'm saying, and not happy about it because it's significant.
Speaker 2:I don't probably, you know like I spend hours, hours and I, you know, and it's a painful process, it's not needed and it's not even my stuff, you know it's like. So that's so frustrating. It's not necessarily. When I work with a client, I know that as soon as things are, you know, harmonized and they're in a better place.
Speaker 5:So you'll see, like your neighbor, like his neighbor is like I feel great.
Speaker 4:Gary, yeah.
Speaker 7:We have to do is go to Walmart or shop right yeah.
Speaker 6:Johnny, Do you mind explaining that a little bit? Like when you say, like I go home from the food store and all this stuff, or like when you wake up it's like stuck to you, Like someone who's listening that doesn't experience that, or me like what?
Speaker 2:What I mean you don't want to know, Because I think that one of those things is the more you think about it, or the more you know and the more you're attracted to it. So I'm cautious about it, because I do understand it and I'm thinking that that's probably what I'm causing and that that thought has come up a couple of times and even, just the way you know, I felt them coming in and reinforced certain statements that you guys have made. But it's making me understand that I am causing a lot of it, Not causing, but I'm bringing it more.
Speaker 5:Yeah, yeah, it's actually something that I think about as well, Like I think about my, my friends that are in like they practice Zen Buddhism, whether it's just like I just said, like I'm not, none of this is happening to me, right?
Speaker 5:Sometimes I look at that and I like that, right, because in the end they're right. Right, but at the same time, if I let go of all my beliefs with which I've been trying to do, you know, for a very long time is that letting go of it? So then all that's left is what? Not what I believe, but what I know. So, but you can't this, you can't discount your, your experiences.
Speaker 5:So if your experiences are like like these experiences I told you some of them tonight I can't, I, you can't drop them off and be like Well, no, that that doesn't fit into that realm of reality. No, because it was, it's just, it was just as real as us sitting down talking here like this. So I have to, it is a part of my reality, right? So then the thing is is like how you just said, like I don't want to even tell you because then it becomes a part of your. You can easily make a part of your belief system and in your reality. But how do you, how do you stop that when it is already a part of your reality, like you've already had these experiences?
Speaker 2:And it's not like. I went looking for it.
Speaker 5:Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's just a part of what you want.
Speaker 2:Just doing a job and you know, like, I've given a very, very specific example. Finally, that part there stopped. But there was this one person that was hours away from me and, as a habit, this person has a habit of staying up late at night, you know, into the hour.
Speaker 5:But do you know this person? I do know this.
Speaker 2:And they would be calling you know other people and I do feel like that this person was talking about me and inevitably like not, and I didn't feel that she was talking about. You know, I came to that conclusion because every night, between 1130 and midnight, although I would be sleeping or about to fall asleep, and I would start burping and that's to be clearing from God knows what have whoever, from somebody right, and it would go on for hours and it wasn't just a little burping, it was violent burping and sometimes I would get these enormous pain in my stomach because it felt like it was an attack. You know, that's what people call that, you know, and it happened over and over and over again and I tried everything to stop it. I could not stop it.
Speaker 5:It was, and I understand that energy when you felt it like, when you felt it come, this person came to your mind.
Speaker 2:You're saying yes, that I knew that it wasn't, and then finally we kind of you know, kind of disconnected, so that made it stop. You know that way, and what I know about energy is that you know, I do understand that it's very powerful to be conscious. When you are angry for someone, when you are upset or when you are, you know that that energy that's the other that is going to that person. You may not necessarily know, they may not know, but it's definitely doing something and I'm one of those people that I'm extremely sensitive to it. So I'll know.
Speaker 2:Whatever you feel like, as it's like choking to me, you will feel like someone has advice on it. You know, perhaps because that's feeling the extent of the actual problem that you've been ignoring for a long time. So my sensitivity to things is extremely high and that's okay. That helped me understand and come to. You know you do what I do and I do a great. Well, I think I have great understanding of it. But it's that part where I feel helpless and that I don't have control over who is actually affecting me, especially when I'm trying to sleep for the night or waking up at two o'clock and when you think about more. You know, and it's not just their energy to come through, is whatever negative entities around that. They ended up in my state and then I have to clear that and I'm up for two hours or three or four trying to figure out the stuff that I didn't even invite in my house.
Speaker 2:I tried closing myself, shutting down, asking my people. You know the guys get the moment but nothing is the stuff. So I don't know what that stuff is in the truth and I don't have people like like, I haven't found anybody that can actually give me an answer.
Speaker 5:But when you ask your guys, because my perception is like, if I don't get an answer to something, it's usually because there's something I need to find out.
Speaker 2:And that's usually the case. So I don't have time, you know, I just want to learn something, that's all right, you know, and I try different things, and these last months where I felt the one person like being extremely much to the point where I was naked today, you know not having a little concern because I'm like you know, I don't really want to be affected that much. Or.
Speaker 2:I have so much pain that it's actually, you know, living like that. But I guess I just have to. I think I'm going to definitely have a compass in me that I can see what I'm going to do. That's my struggle. Who is your struggle? Living? With me. Your face was like you should talk. You should talk what?
Speaker 7:about me. No, we share in the same problem. When you say you have pain, I usually have pain too, and I never know where, why, where, where it's coming from, why, you know. And for us, I don't know if we're similar or if it's one of us, but all we have to do is go someplace public and we bring home something with us. So I don't know if they're attracted to the light. If they, I don't know what it is. I mean, I like to think that, but then it's something we just pass to the light. But when it causes us pain, it's not something looking to go to the light, it's something else, and they're widely freaking magnets.
Speaker 7:And we just go someplace like a normal person and come home and you know like.
Speaker 5:Would you say that this is a new phenomenon for you as well?
Speaker 2:No, this just didn't happen. Well, I want to say that it was good.
Speaker 7:Well, when I was seeing a living in New Hope, it didn't really happen to me, unless it was something that happened to me. That's where I'm trying to avoid. No you're right.
Speaker 5:I don't want it to Smart man.
Speaker 7:But, the only time a spirit came to me is when they wanted to get passed out of light and I recognized it. It just felt something around me. I would ask the question like is there someone here? Sometimes I get a tingling in my body, sometimes not, and if you want to go into the light, and sometimes I get a tingle, sometimes I don't, I just call the angels and within minutes the whole body tingles. When I know something happened Once we were married and living together that manifested into something different, because then I started feeling tired all the time, painful pain, rather emotional swings. I could be angry, angry. Angry like I hate everybody. Like where did I hope it has come from? Now? Nothing happened for me to get angry, but it's something that came to us. It could have came to her because of all the clients that she deals with, and then it sees me and it kind of attaches to me too, and it goes back and forth. So it's something more that has happened for the past ten years. But the past year or two.
Speaker 7:it's like we can get this out of control. I go outside to get the mail, I'm like freaking and he just flying around like oh look, look, there's one, yeah, and he said it will right to me.
Speaker 2:You know it didn't used to happen to my old as a whole problem.
Speaker 7:No, it didn't happen once. We couldn't break it down.
Speaker 2:It did happen, man. I don't know if that's anything to do with the area, but I did change, you know, work on modifying the environment and the outside and changing the grade and putting up all the things that I know how to do, and that didn't make any difference. I do think that, as you were talking, though I just I think it's my fault I think it's all the clearing because definitely since I've been in that house, I've been doing a lot more of that and I Close to the clearing, or because of the clients that you work with.
Speaker 2:No, I think it's the clearing, because of knowing that I can, that probably there aren't that many people out there that do what I do, and because of that I do it more, not more, but I consider it as part of my job and I think that it could change that and it could stop. You know, maybe.
Speaker 5:I was thinking. This just popped in my head like maybe I should put you in touch with my teacher because he would talk about that like like a lot of people. You know it's interesting for people, right. Yeah, so they're like. But I remember one time he just like I just shut that down. He gets kind of like a hierarchical reason. He's like I just shut it down. He's like I just don't want to be doing that all the time. And I think it's because, like, he was kind of, like you know, taught to be, like brought up to be like a Dallas priest. So when he was young, if I'm right, they used him because little kids are more pure, so the Dallas priest used the kids to channel and do all these things. So he was doing all these practices from a very young age. So I think for him it's like no big deal. So every time he went somewhere he was picking up things and then I think it just came to a point like I just don't even want to bother with it anymore.
Speaker 2:I think that's where I'm at though, yeah. I think that's where this is happening.
Speaker 5:Yeah, and it's okay, because you know what, there's always other people that are like they're. And yeah, like I think about that too, like, and it's weird because it makes me feel like am I getting old? Like, like right, because I can see, like there's these young. You know, my friend, this is totally kind of not out of this realm, but my friend is in the corporate world and he was saying, like when he got into that field he's in finance, he's like it was very like high-paced, like you're doing a lot. He's like and he's my age, like he's in his mid 40s and he's like I just can't do what I did in my 20s anymore. He's like I'm like the old guy already and he goes. I'm in my 40s, but there's these young guys that they still they want to do it. There's young people that are like you know, they're open and they have these gifts like you have, and they're doing it in their own way, but they're like excited about it, like we're at a time where we were excited about doing these things.
Speaker 5:But now it's just like like man, if we were talking, if I was doing something like this with you guys back in my 20s or 30s, I would have been like, oh my God, and now it's like I enjoy it. But like I don't have that feeling like now I'm going to go home, I'm going to try to astral travel or no, I'm just going to go home, I have a cup of tea and call it. You know what I mean. Like it doesn't call to me anymore.
Speaker 7:You know what I mean.
Speaker 5:They're doing that yeah and it's not even that like, it's not even in a cocky way, it's more. I think I'm just like, I'm just tired. You know what I mean? I'm tired and I just want to sit by the river.
Speaker 7:Well, that's what I mean, like you've done it so many times like that's enough. Now I just want to move on with my life, do something different, relax, chill, you know.
Speaker 5:Yeah, and but and then within that, it's like when someone walks by you, you don't have a glass of water. You know what I mean? That's what I think. That's what, that's what that's what cost me is to do that is to do that, and if you don't want my water, it's okay either. It's good to okay, I don't, it doesn't matter, but I'm sure there'll be someone else down the road that they have some water for you to. You know what? I mean yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's. I thought enough today. It's amazing. That's like a superpower. I don't want to hear she talked another way.
Speaker 7:I don't have to learn acceptance.
Speaker 7:So for you, the analogy is a couple of words. The need is, you know, I listen to whatever you have to say. I put the energy out there. But then what you want to do is you want to do that and I just want. I'm not going to like the evil mind that I had 10, 15 years ago. I'm already messed up now, you know, and I thought I can heal the world, and I used to. I just, I don't know, no kidding, I used to lie down and practice sending energy to the entire planet.
Speaker 7:And I did that for a while. Then it didn't take long. I didn't have to do it. I didn't have to do it. I didn't have to do it. I didn't have to do it. I didn't have to do it. And I did that for a while.
Speaker 5:Then it got to a point where I'm sorry, I'm a little stupid, you know, so I'm, but that's the evil mind and now look at the world the mess that was right now Thanks.
Speaker 7:I don't blame you, but it got to a point where it's like Jesus, you know, he didn't go out of his way to help people. He was just available and whoever wanted something from him got what they needed. But he didn't go out looking for it to help people. He didn't go out begging or trying to convince oh, let me give you a heal, let me do this. No, it's just that people was in need. They came to him for help and he provided, and then he just moved on. He didn't. There was no drama about it, he didn't dwell on it, it's just. That was just another part of his day, and then it just moved on to do something else.
Speaker 5:So and he wasn't clearing people all day long either. No, it's the truth.
Speaker 7:He didn't.
Speaker 5:You know, there's like a few stories where he did that. You know what I mean, and it was just like in his face.
Speaker 2:And I don't like intentionally go out.
Speaker 5:No, no, no, no, it's just coming out.
Speaker 2:It's just practicing, but I do understand that you know, and I appreciate what you're saying to anyone that's sitting here and watching it and they're laughing. It's like, yeah, the point is to get ready to give it up and be done with it. Because and the one thing that I didn't that I always felt you think about it enough early enough. You know, whenever something starts feeling uncomfortable, whenever it's supposed to feel like it, it's trying to. You know, hear the really uncomfortable situation where there's work or there's just, you know, family or there's anything, and you keep resisting it and it keeps getting worse and it keeps getting worse. You know where I'm actually and I just realized that it's usually because you're, you know, you're supposed to let go, you're supposed to be done with it, it's not part of my story anymore and it's okay to let it go.
Speaker 2:With the different decisions that I made with you know, doing the illustrations and also doing this podcast, I'm more in my own truth with those two things that it is for me to clear people. I enjoyed that process for the time that I did it, but I need to put that in on you. I think that's um, that's um. I cannot come with me into the future If I want to go down the path and I'm supposed to be going and I've been blind to it and I cannot be missing it, so we've been paying the price for that. So sorry, it's my fault.
Speaker 7:No it's a fault, it's a little, you know, something we need to develop and develop because I also believe that you know, using Jesus as an example of when he went into a room, there's a light which presents. For this light, the energy that you emitted is what killed people, but he wasn't actively feeling people, it was just being the light, and that's what we need to have that mindset that we're just a beacon of light and whether it comes near us will benefit from us because the anger of God that's around us will help them. But the moment we go out of our way and own some something about whatever it is that we're doing, then we take it apart, then we take it in and then we have to deal with it internally.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's, it's you have to understand. It's not just me, it's. You know. I'm not trying to defend myself, for me, it's talking to someone and they have something on them. It's the first thing that I feel. I see. I know I start getting, you know, headaches and pains and it becomes uncomfortable. They train me to do this work. You know they're very good at training me to do what it's going to be.
Speaker 5:Can I ask you something? Yeah, when you're saying it's time to give it up for you, how would you give it up? I?
Speaker 2:could say already it's just going to say no longer. No longer problem is up, and then we'll change. And then, while we're going to look and see if there is any type of promises or agreement that I made you know early on, they'll show it to me and then change it to do you know, just because otherwise it's just you All right. But even just being in this room and they were just clapping, I think it was when we were talking I was just going to say okay, so if this would give it up, I'm not going to give it up, I'm going to make it so that I don't want to know that I'm there you know, but I don't want to go.
Speaker 2:That was part of that experience of understanding. You know I didn't put as much thought into that role but I don't know if I'm going to do the job and I don't want to know, the stuff that comes with it again.
Speaker 5:And maybe you said like lately, that's why it's ramped up a little bit, because like, yeah, you're feeling something else. You know what I mean.
Speaker 4:I don't know, but it's really weird and I feel like I need to say something before is that when you started talking about not feeling good and I have been feeling sick, I've been feeling so nauseous sitting here and then when you stop talking and then you started again and I get like this really bad headache and I feel like almost like I'm like dizzy.
Speaker 5:That happens almost to someone at this table. Every time you do that right.
Speaker 4:Why am I feeling like this? Are you still feeling like this? It's not as intense as it was because I think I just talked about it, but for a minute it was making me really, really uncomfortable. When I told you, I was like I'm sick, I can't think of is there a? Bathroom here. Should I get up? Should I just run out?
Speaker 2:and then what was? Was there anything that was going on? You know any thoughts and words that you would be saying.
Speaker 4:I can't even, I can't even remember, because I was just, I just noticed how sick, it just was like coming.
Speaker 5:What Isn't that what I said?
Speaker 4:Leo and Spirits is a recession Right.
Speaker 7:And what she tells me is that they're trying to come and talk to me. They're trying to open me up so they can talk to me like they talk to her. So maybe and maybe you can verify this because you're the expert here, but it's possible that maybe they're because you're in this environment that they're trying to open you up and talk to you.
Speaker 7:We had a two, three weeks ago we talked about this where every time, like especially the first time, I was getting busy and I felt like my body was going like this I'm sitting down in the chair, not even moving, and I could feel me my head's moving. You're okay, I'm good, I sit all day.
Speaker 7:And about two, three weeks ago I got the same busyness. This time I felt nauseous and everything. And what Samova said was that they're trying to open me up and, as a result, anything that's not resonating with that is going. How did you know it's moving? It was disrupting or disturbing the energy, but in a good way. It was just cleaning the house clean. Oh, okay, it came in that way.
Speaker 4:Okay.
Speaker 7:And that's the first thing that came to my mind Is that what's really happening to her?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know that's why I asked her if she felt something and she heard or saw something, because I do feel that they're taking the opportunity because, as you were talking, they were mostly over here and I was releasing whatever and making an agreement and they were clapping and I'm pretty sure that I started talking. But I also think with you that what's resonating when I speak is the fact that I started this from a self-sacrificing place, you know, when I first started working with people, and I've had it for a long time. I don't use it anymore, but because the initial beginning, however, of this, you know, my intent is still carrying that energy. So when I speak about it.
Speaker 2:you're feeling my pain, but it's resonating in your pain of self-sacrificing in the universe. And you're getting what it cost, what it's been costing you. Okay, so that's okay, oh, wow.
Speaker 4:Is the body or enough? I just feel it and it just won't go away.
Speaker 7:It will, it's just temporary.
Speaker 2:Okay, round yourself then. Or maybe there is something that I need to clear, but I don't want to.
Speaker 1:That's a chess card right. It's like no, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 2:It's all looking for micro. You made the tron that lived the care of it. It's a good thing. Yes, yep, I'm sorry, no apologies needed. Should we call it a trip. It does go by fast. Thank, you. Thank you.
Speaker 4:So nice to meet everyone.
Speaker 7:Thank you for everything. This might be a good time, I mean, from this point forward, this thought's welcome to the universe For guidance, for help, for clarity, for whatever it is. Yes, this is like you needed to speed, with some honor, to help navigate through your mind, your memories, and a little pain and everything. And now that you're in this environment where you know the beings come to help us, maybe they want to establish more of a relationship with you. Yes, so perfect opportunity. Yes, it's a soft walking time.
Speaker 4:No, you are right, thank you, yes, yes, yes, you could have waited for this. I know we were going.